Touch Me
by toastycakes
Summary: Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.' RikuxSora R&R!
1. Touch

**Title: **Touch Me

**Author: **Raining on my Parade

**Summary:** Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

**Disclaimer:** it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **Alrighty, so this is the start of my new story, my first Kingdom Hearts one actually. I'm quite excited, and I'm hoping you will all enjoy this (despite the fact that it's a bit depressing). There's a little bit of a guide for this since I'm trying out a new style, so here it is:

~~~_Sky~~~ _or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, **this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply**. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 1 : Touch**

~~~_Sky~~~_

I want to reach out and touch you but you keep your distance. The moment I get close enough, you pull away. It frustrates me how you always stay just out of my range, even before all of this. Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

"Damn it Riku," I mumble into my arms that are resting on my tucked legs. These stupid thoughts plague me even now after I've accepted that I can't touch you.

"What's that for? You mad at me?" a voice says from behind me. I'm startled and almost fall over, but I catch myself in time. I was just sitting against the base of the paopu tree and had been watching the sunset while I mulled over my thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately that's exactly when you decide to appear, and it's at that moment that my thoughts are scattered once again. Regaining some of my composure, I look back up at you with the grin I always have on, or used to at least. They seemed to be coming less often nowadays.

"Nope. Just thinking," I tell you. You looked unconvinced. I just shrug and turn back to watching the sunset. I don't try to convince you. It wouldn't be any use, and you'd just end up suspecting me even more if I did.

"You sure?" you ask as you sit down beside me.

"Yeah," I say.

Silence takes over for a few moments. I know you're glancing at me, but I don't care. I'm too focused on trying not to blush at how close you are to me, and honestly I'm at a loss for what to do about it. This past week I've been having these feelings invading my heart for you that leave me confused when I think about them. Unwelcome as they are, when they come they leave a warm feeling in my chest, and whenever you appear that feeling grows more and more. And sometimes it grows until I almost feel as though my ribs would burst and I would cry with the amazing wonderfulness of it. Other times it grows cold, like it's sucking away my heart into an endless black hole and making me want to cry for the loss of the warmth. Either way I always feel ready to cry whether it swells or dies.

The whole effort of trying to keep this from you has tired me endlessly and it feels like it's finally catching up to me right now. I feel sleepy and my head keeps dropping quickly before I lift it again in an attempt to stay awake. Suddenly I feel an arm around my shoulder, and I'm pulled me into a position that I rather like (much more than I really should), but don't want to be in. You've pulled me to lean on your shoulder with your arm still around me. I push away, hiding a yawn behind my hand, and sit back up.

"Don't," I say to you.

_I can't stand it._

"What's wrong?" you ask. "You look tired, so just take a nap now and then we can go home."

"I don't want to," I say stubbornly.

_I don't want to care so much._

_I don't want you to care so much either._

"Come on Sora. I know you're tired. You look like you haven't slept well at all. Hell, you were about to fall asleep a minute ago," you argue. I ignore the truths you say. I know I haven't slept. It doesn't matter. Instead I stand up and walk a few steps away. I'm not facing you. My eyes feel hot, but I keep it down. I don't want to cry about this. Crying never helps anything.

"Well that was a minute ago. I'm not tired anymore," I lie, managing to keep my voice from wavering.

"I thought you said you weren't mad at me," you say with a frown that I can hear without needing to look back.

"I'm not."

"Then why are you pushing me away like you are?" you shoot back. I want to ask you the same, but I hold myself back. "You've been acting this way all week. Something's got to be bugging you. What wrong?"

I sigh exasperatedly and go back to sit back beside you. Gathering my courage and forcing away the blush I know will come with the contact; I hug you around the waist and snuggle into your shoulder. I say, "Nothing's wrong. Just stupid thoughts. I'm not trying to push you away Riku."

I can feel you tense and hesitate and I refuse to let the tears come because I know you're uncomfortable with contact with others unless you initiate it, even with me. Especially with me. Finally you wrap your arms around me as well. I really don't want you to care so much. If you care, it just makes it that much harder for me to convince myself that I can't have you. Because you'll always be out of my reach. We sit in silence the rest of the time until I really do fall asleep.

My last thought is that you smell good. Do you know that, I wonder?

~~~_Land_~~~

I smile down at you snuggling up against me. The sun has gone and the moon has yet to begin its ascent into the sky. The starlight against your skin makes it glow. I want to touch it, caress it, but I can't bring myself to actually do it. I always hesitate to touch you, anyone really, but especially you. You're too delicate, too pure for my tainted hands to touch. I shouldn't even think about you the way I do, and I feel so ashamed when I do.

"Sora…" I whisper. Your mouth is slightly opened and your chestnut hair falls in your face. I lift my hand and lightly brush it away to get a better view of your face. Long lashes curled against your cheeks that I want so much to touch, and pale pink lips that I long to kiss. I lower my eyes and tear them away from you. If I had looked on any longer, I wasn't sure if I could have restrained myself from actually kissing you. I could never think to taint you with the lips of this sinner while you're not even conscious. That would be just too cruel for a light like you.

Even so, I want to hold you, even just like this. It's enough that you stayed by me. I refuse myself anything more than a friendship with you. I couldn't allow your light to be dimmed by my foolish desires. I sigh and look out across the ocean. Destiny Islands shines dimly in the distance with its artificial lights. I know we have to get back soon, but I can't break this moment. You're sleeping so well now.

It didn't seem like you'd gotten much sleep this week, and I hope that maybe this will be good for you. Then again sleeping on someone's shoulder isn't a very comfortable position to be in. I'm torn, but in the end I decide to let you sleep a little more before I finally shake you awake.

"Come on Sora, we've got to get back. Your mom's gonna get worried," I say softly as I shake you. You stir slightly but don't wake. I poke your side and you shoot up with a cry, instantly awake. You pout at me, acting more like the Sora I know than you were earlier, and I laugh. I can't help the thought that I want to kiss your pouting lips either, but it gets pushed back with all the other thoughts like that that run through my head. I've been collecting quite a lot back there.

"What was that for?" you ask, the pout still on your face. You still looked tired, but we really do need to go. Sleeping on the island without a blanket would only get you a cold. I silently hope that you will be able to get more sleep tonight and that whatever has been bothering you will go away.

"It's time to go. We've been out here for a while now," I tell you, reluctant to admit we need to part ways.

"Ah, right," you say cutely as the pout disappears. I can't help but chuckle at it. You smile at me, but it doesn't seem to set right on your face. I dismiss it for the moment.

"Sorry," I say quickly, thinking I upset you by laughing. "Come on, let's go."

"Yeah," you say, using the same tone as earlier. You walk on ahead of me and I stare sadly at your back. I really can't tell if you're mad at me or not. Did I do something to make you upset? You say it's nothing, you say you're not mad, but I still don't know.

We don't say much on the way back to the island. We both take separate boats since I had come after you in my own. Our good byes are quiet and not as enthusiastic as they used to be. I'm concerned about you. I didn't want to ask you then, and I can't now since you've already left for your house. So I resolve to ask you about it tomorrow. It's the weekend finally, and that will give me plenty of time.

I don't get anything out of you the next day. You just say that nothing is wrong, that you're fine and I shouldn't worry. But I worry even more when you say that. I know something is bothering you. What if you don't really like me and you're just staying with me out of pity? What if you actually don't care and you would prefer that I not be here?

I shiver at the thought. You're too good to lead someone on, but then again we've been friends for our whole lives. Maybe you just don't want to hurt my feelings. If that were true, that explains why you've stayed with me. You don't like being with me, but you force yourself to spend time with me so you won't hurt my feelings. That's so stupid.

If I were causing you pain, or making you do something you don't like, I would want you to tell me. I would rather you be happy without me than be miserable with me. I have nothing to give you to make you happy, anyway. I sigh again.

"Riku? Rikuuu?" Kairi says, waving her hand in front of my face. I snap out of my thoughts. "Anyone home?"

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Jeez, I've been calling your name for five minutes. What were you thinking in that thick skull of yours?" she asks. She gives me a scrutinizing look. She'd found me as I was walking home and dragged me back into town. It was only about three when you had said you needed to go. Kairi had decided to force me to buy her some ice cream, and now we are sitting in a park where I had just gotten lost in my thoughts while she ate her ice cream. I hadn't gotten any. I wasn't hungry.

"Nothing," I reply.

"Well that's some very deep nothing you're thinking about then. You could at least talk to me, Riku," she pouts. I roll my eyes.

"You're the one that dragged me here. Besides, I'm talking to you now, aren't I?" I say. She gives an exasperated sigh.

"Whatever," she says with a roll of her eyes. She licks her ice cream some more, leaving us in silence once again. Before I can delve back into my thoughts, she speaks.

"You and Sora are acting so weird lately," she says nonchalantly, giving another lick, but I can hear the concern underlining it. I shrug, not wanting to talk about my change of mood. Of course I'd never been _very_ talkative, but after going through everything, I just thought it was better not to speak so much. She frowns at my lack of response.

"I thought you guys would get over it when you got back, but you never did. Well, Sora did for a while, but he's got something else bothering him now," she comments.

"What's bothering him?" I ask, trying to sound uninterested. Or as uninterested as a friend could be. It doesn't work. I'm too worried about you. I'm worried you would have told _her _before _me_ too, but it's a jealous feeling. I don't want to be jealous, so I push that back.

"He hasn't told me anything specifically. Besides, it's not my place to tell, if my hunch is right, that is," she tells me with a gleam in her eye. I'm relieved that it seems you haven't told her anything, but it looks like she knows something. Something that I should know, but don't. Something she knows I don't know, and that she will refuse to tell me anything about. Still, I try to pry, just in case she might tell me. Her hunches are usually correct.

"What is it?" I ask once again. She shrugs.

"Nope, it's probably wrong anyway." Which is a false statement because whenever she says that, I know she knows her hunch is correct. She eats some more of her ice cream.

"I don't want to get your hopes up," she says finally. Now I am confused. Something is bothering you, and it's something that would get my hopes up? What was there to get my hopes up about? Surely she couldn't mean…but the gleam is still there in her eyes. I refuse to believe it though. I dismiss, bury, and beat back the thoughts that have surfaced. There's no way _that_ could be it. Either way, I'm sure now that I am the cause of your hidden distress.

"Whatever, I'm leaving," I say, getting up from the bench. I know she's frowning. She gets up and grabs my arm, pulling me along to someplace new, ignoring the fact that I try to pull away from her instinctively.

"Nope. You haven't spent time with me in forever so we're going to have some quality bonding time!" she tells me firmly. I groan. It's not that I don't like Kairi; she's my friend. She reminds me of you though, with her childish ways that make her seem almost innocent. I know that isn't quite the case since we both know of her escapades with Tidus and even Selphie in the years we were gone, but it still reminds me of you in some way. And that just makes me feel a bit worse because I don't want to taint her either. She doesn't need a friend like me.

She sees me frowning and I know she knows I'm beating myself up over something, which I am. She just tosses me a reassuring smile and squeezes my hand as she continues leading me wherever she decides we're going. I feel a little better. I still wish I knew what was bothering you though.

~~~_Sky_~~~

I left you. I feel guilty about it, but I had to. I ditched you with a lame excuse, but you didn't say anything. You just let me go. I don't want you to let me go. I want you to pull me back. I want you to hold me close. I want you to reach out and touch me because I know I'll never be able to do that to you. You won't let me.

I let out a sigh of frustration as I think this. This was why I had to leave. You make me frustrated. You make me angry. You make me happy. You make me excited. You make me want to cry and yell and shout. You make me want to laugh and sing and dance. It's so many things all at once rushing at me, and they all just build up until I don't know what to do anymore and I need to leave so I can figure out what to do without the dizzying effect of your presence in such a close proximity making me want to just let it all burst out without concern for consequence.

The frustration reminds me of when we had been fighting the heartless and the nobodies. The more I destroyed in order to protect the worlds, the more I was helping my enemy closer to their goal. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to help the enemy by destroying heartless and giving them more hearts, but if I stopped fighting, the heartless would have taken over the worlds. It was a vicious circle that wouldn't end until I got to the root of the problem and fixed it.

I decide that's how I need to deal with this problem between you and me as well, but I know you won't let me fix it. Because that would mean I need to touch you, and you won't let me even attempt to reach out. I wonder how I'm supposed to fix this, because I really want this pain to go away.

I want it to go away, but it won't unless I either have you for myself or I find a way to move on. I'm almost certain I'll never have you though, and I'm not even sure if I'll be _able_ to move on. So I'll probably just wait my whole life for you to realize that I am there for you. I'm not quite sure what I'll do when you finally do realize I'm there. I'll think of it when the time comes, though. You can count on that.

I stop as I notice Tidus sitting alone out on the beach. A blitzball is next to him about a foot away. No one else is on the beach, which is strange, but seems to amplify the aura of loneliness that is radiating from my friend now. Tidus is such a charismatic person and so full of energy all the time, always surrounded people basking in the light of his exuberance, that it's strange to see him by himself in such a lonesome fashion.

His shoulders are sagging and he seems to be simply staring out across the ocean, almost dejectedly. He looks so sad, as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders depressing him. It's a distraction from you though, and I take it gladly. Although, selfish reason or not, I want to help him. I go over to Tidus.

At first I think that he doesn't hear me approach, but I'm proven wrong when he says, "Go away."

I ignore the demand and walk around to stand in front of him. I see the beginnings of a nasty black eye briefly before he buries his face in his knees, which are drawn up against his chest. He's curled into a ball, as though he's trying to protect himself from something, but he looks so much more vulnerable like that. I've never seen Tidus vulnerable like this, and it's thrown me for a loop. My small happiness at a distraction is now buried beneath my concern for my blonde friend. I squat in front of him, waiting for him to do something.

When he does nothing, I ask, "What happened?"

He looks up a little shocked. Maybe he was expecting me to ask what was wrong, but I asked an essentially identical question. Or maybe he was expecting me to be someone else, or that I had heeded his command to leave him alone. I don't know, but I don't ask. I just ask him what's happened again when he doesn't answer for a while. This time he answers, but not with what I was expecting.

"I kissed Wakka and he punched me."

"What?" I ask a bit shocked.

"I kissed Wakka and he punched me. Simple as that."

It's a little strange to hear that Tidus has suddenly kissed his best friend, but I don't think much of it. I would do the same to you, but I'm too scared. Besides, it's mostly strange because I hadn't known Tidus swings that way. He went out with Kairi a little before they broke up by mutual agreement that it didn't feel right. And then Kairi went after Selphie. A thought crossed my mind wondering how Kairi and Selphie were doing, but it was ignored. I could ask Kairi about it later. I focus on Tidus again.

"Why would he punch you?" I ask. He raises the eyebrow of his uninjured eye at me.

"Not why did I kiss him?"

I shrug.

"Why not why he punched you? I would assume you kissed him because you like him. There isn't really another reason unless he likes you and you only kissed him to tease him. But I don't think you would do that if you weren't interested."

"I see," he says. He seems a little relieved that I don't care that he likes Wakka. If I said I minded, I would be a hypocrite, right? I like _you_ after all. I'm just not brave enough to do what Tidus has done.

"So, why did he punch you?" I ask again.

"Because I told him I like him and then I kissed him," Tidus tells me with a shrug. His voice sounds indifferent, but I can tell it's affected him. "He punched me as soon as I pulled back and said he wasn't a fag and that he didn't hang out with fags either. He isn't talking to me now."

I want to say something that will make him feel better, but I don't know what to do. My mind is blank. He's trying his hardest to put up a brave front, I can tell, but I can also see the kicked puppy look beneath it.

"He's in denial then," I say finally. Tidus laughs. It sounds a bit bitter, but he laughed. That's what I was aiming for.

"Maybe. Because we all know Wakka looks like a flaming gay," he says. I giggle and agree in the same sarcastic tone he uses, adding a little remark of my own. I can feel my frustration about you slipping away as we talk and joke around, and honestly it's a relief. I sit beside him and we stay at the beach for a few hours before he finally decides that he really is fine. Tidus is strong. He can bounce back from most anything, and it's something I admire about him.

"Do you wanna hang out tomorrow?" Tidus asks a little hesitantly before he really leaves. He seems nervous about asking me for some reason. I smile to give him reassurance and let him know he can ask me things like this. We're friends after all, aren't we?

"Sure. I'm not doing anything then," I tell him, even though I know you're going to come over and ask the same thing and expect that we'll hang out. But I need a break from you, and I've found my de-stresser in Tidus. I'm willing to take it.

"Great. I'll see you then, I guess," Tidus says to me and I grin at him.

"See you then," I reply with a wave. He returns the gesture, hesitates for another second, and then turns and leaves. I watch his back as he walks away along the beach and hope he really will be fine by himself. Tidus really is strong. He can bounce back from most anything. It's just that heartbreak tends to take longer to bounce back from than most things.

I turn to head for the old wooden stairs that lead back up to the solid ground of concrete sidewalk and freeze. It's you. You walk by without noticing me, heading in the same direction as Tidus left, with Kairi's hand laced in yours. Instantly all my frustrations are back with a hint of something else I know I shouldn't feel. Jealousy is for the one you have reciprocated feelings for, and I'm quite painfully aware in this moment that my feelings are not, nor ever will be reciprocated. I feel like I've lost my breath as I stare. You keep walking by with her, oblivious.

Look at me.

Look over here!

Look at me!

Finally I regain my breath and as my lungs fill with oxygen, mobility returns to my limbs. I stand still for a moment more, just because I can, and I feel like a masochist watching this. Then I turn from you and her, and walk in the opposite direction. I try to keep my head held high. I try to look like my over-confident self. I try to walk with a spring in my step. It ends up feeling as though my head is tilting up too much, as though I'm really naked and barren for the world to see, and like my walk looks more like limping than springing. I want to stop, but I don't. I just keep moving, because I know if I stop I'll crumble, and I can't let that happen. Not in the open. Not where everyone can see. Not where you could see. So I keep walking, head held too high, self-conscious, and limping like the wounded animal I am.

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******A/N:** And that's it for chapter one! Kind of depressing I know, but that's just how it happened to come out. Please review and tell me what you think!  



	2. Ostracize

**Title: **Touch Me

**Author: **Raining on my Parade

**Summary:** Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

**Disclaimer:** it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **Second chapter up! Yeah! I'm doing pretty well, if I may say so myself. I must admit now that I have a horrible habit of procrastinating, so having this done about a week later is pretty good for me. With my last story, I think I made them wait a month sometimes –sweatdrops- Yeah, I'm hoping not to do that to you guys, but you know how school can get. But if it ever seems like it's getting to be a super long wait, please just yell at me to get moving. Sometimes a little encouragement is all that is needed.

Anywhos, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. I'm hoping more people will catch on and join this lovely bunch, but even just alerts and favorites make me happy, so thank you everyone! Now (if anyone is still reading this), go on and read little ones!

**Guide:**

~~~_Sky~~~ _or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, **this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply**. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 2 : Ostracize**

_~~~Land~~~_

It's nearly noon. I expect you to only be waking up now. You're so lazy, it's a wonder you get anything done. That's what I'm for though, I guess: a human alarm clock. To make sure you're up and doing something productive, at the very least. I feel it's the best I can do for you since I am the way I am. Besides you're my best friend, and best friends look out for each other, right?

I see your house only a few more minutes away. I don't need to knock to enter. Your parents know me, and besides that, they aren't even here. They are at work while we have our summer vacation. I let myself in knowing you won't mind it either. I hesitate though as I think back on this thought. I'm not as sure as I used to be about this fact. You're giving me more mixed signals than ever before now, and I'm only feeling more confused and helpless to know what's okay to do around you anymore. And that's without attempting to control the urges I get on my own whenever you're around. But those I can handle easier because at least I know exactly what to do.

But you're you, and quite honestly, you just happen to be an enigma to me. All of the years I've known you seem to be so insignificant now, so inconsequential. I used to know exactly what reaction I could pull from you when I did certain things. I used to know how to cheer you up. I used to know how to make you mad. I used to know when you needed one thing or didn't want another. I used to know a lot of things. Now all I can ever seem to do is upset you. I'm at a loss to know anything anymore compared to the certainty I held before we were torn apart years before.

No, that's wrong to say. We weren't torn apart. I went to follow a path I shouldn't have and tried to take you with me. I have to say now that I am glad you didn't take my hand back then. If you had, I'm not quite sure what would have happened, but I'm certain it wouldn't have been good. For us or all of the worlds you've worked so hard to save time after time.

I shake these thoughts from my head as I realize that I'm now staring at you. My mind's gone blank. You've just opened the bathroom door, clad in nothing but a fluffy white towel. You're frozen and so am I.

It shouldn't be this awkward. We've known each other since we were young enough to bath together. We've seen each other in various states of undress many times over, so what makes this time any different from all of those?

I realize, as I stutter out an apology and stumble away back to your living room, that it's because I know how I feel now, and that I've been avoiding seeing you undressed to any degree to avoid the reaction I know I'll have if I do, the reaction I'm having right now to seeing more of your creamy smooth skin than usual. It's overwhelming.

I get to the living room, trip a little on nothing, and then go over to the couch where I set myself down to gather my thoughts.

It's overwhelming, but not as much as I thought it would be. It's mostly because you took me off guard that my wits have been scattered, or so I'd like to think. My mind replays the image of you, fresh out of the shower, water droplets falling from your damp, limp brown hair to your strong shoulders, that delicate collar bone poking out slightly, adorably, your well built chest and…

I want to scream and hit myself. I don't, if only because I'm in your house, and I would like it if I still seemed even somewhat sane to you. I'm losing it more and more because of you, and I wonder how long it will take before the thread unravels completely.

You appear in the doorway a few minutes later, the towel from your waist now sitting upon your head, waiting to be used to dry brunette locks. You stare at me for a minute with a bit of a lost expression.

Why?

What has you so lost when you look at me?

Is it because you're embarrassed now? I know I am. But I have a feeling that's not it. It's something else. Something I don't know. Maybe something I won't understand. I'm not sure. I want to ask, I want you to tell, but neither happens. You just keep staring on.

Why do you look so lost when you look at me?

Why so you look so…sad?

"So…what's up?" you finally ask me.

"The ceiling," is my automatic response to that question, and I feel a little better as this prompts a smile from you. You roll your eyes a little and I grin at you. Because you always sleep late, even if you hardly sleep at all. You still look tired, but I try to ignore it. "You just get up?"

"Yeah, got up not that long ago. You hungry?" you ask, moving to the kitchen. I get up and follow.

"That depends, are you gonna cook?" I reply. You pout over your shoulder at me and I can't help but laugh a little. You look like a drowned puppy with your hair all wet and hanging in your face like that. You only pout more but there's still a hint of a smile in your eyes that I'm glad to see.

"I was just going to get out some cereal…I promised mom I wouldn't use the stove…" you say, mumbling the last part, but I still catch it. I choke down a laugh. We both know you get in trouble when you cook, so I applaud your mother mentally for banning you from using the stove.

You start getting things out of the cabinets and I help by grabbing the milk from the fridge. As I place the white container down, I can't help noticing the towel still on your head. I'm behind you before I can even think to myself that this is way too close. I rest my hands on your head, over the towel, and start rubbing the towel around to dry your already mostly dry hair. I can feel you stiffen at the unexpected contact and I want to pull away.

Stop.

Stop now!

Stop it!

But I can't. I'm already this close and I want to stay this close.

"R-Riku? W-what are you doing?" you ask. I can hear the nervous tremor you're trying to hide and I feel bad because I know I'm causing it.

"You'll catch a cold if you don't dry your hair," is my pathetic response. I've stopped moving the towel about, and now my hands are just resting on your head. Slowly I lower my own head until my forehead is resting against the back of yours and my hands retreat to your shoulders.

So close. So close.

So close…

And yet, still so far.

I pull back suddenly. What was I thinking? You must be thoroughly freaked out by now. Today's just a strange day all around. Perhaps I should just get away now and let myself cool down. I don't want anything else to happen.

I look at you and think I see your hand reaching for where mine had been, but it's gone before I even realize it. It was just a trick of light. You wouldn't reach for me. I don't want you to. I need to stay away. Far away.

You don't turn around for a few minutes and I stay rooted to my spot in your kitchen as well. Birds call outside and a breeze flutters into the room through an open window somewhere, but I can't hear or feel. I'm waiting for what you'll do. Stopping my breath and holding my tongue just to see what will happen next. And at last you turn around. You seem a bit startled that I'm still here and start to scramble for words.

"I—you moved away really fast, so I thought you left," you say, looking a bit embarrassed for some reason and also still a bit stiff. I should leave. I should have left.

"Sorry, I don't know…I should—" I start to say. I'm saved from continuing as you cut in…

"Tidus is coming over today."

…with something I didn't quite expect. I'm confused.

"He asked if I wanted to do something today and I said yes," you continue. You look at me sheepishly and rub the back of your neck in that nervous way you do. "We didn't really have plans today or anything, and he seemed like he needed someone. You don't mind, do you?"

I blink and then smile reassuringly at you, even though I don't want to share you with Tidus.

"Yeah that's fine. I actually have to go now anyway. Just remembered mom told me to go shopping before I came here. I was just stopping in to say hi," I tell you, hoping you won't hear the lie. I feel awkward now that I know we aren't doing anything together today. There's no reason for me to be here.

"Oh, um…Okay. See ya Riku," you say with a smile, but I know there's something else there too. I can't tell what, but I don't look long enough to see. I turn to walk out of the kitchen.

"See ya. Have fun with Tidus," I say. And then I'm gone.

~~~_Sky_~~~

Tidus walks in and I'm still in the kitchen. I've moved since you left only to fix myself a bowl of cereal. I haven't eaten any of it. One look at the second empty bowl, meant for you destroys any appetite I might have had after our strange encounter. I'm not sure what to make of it.

"Hey Sora. What's up?" Tidus asks from the doorway. I hear him walk in rather than see since I'm facing the counter staring at my full bowl of soggy cereal. I remember to breathe.

In.

Out.

Repeat.

"Hey. Just finishing some breakfast," I say over my shoulder with the best smile I can muster. It seems to convince Tidus despite the fact that what I really want to do now is scream or cry.

What can I say? You depress me, but I've got to stay happy for the others. There's nothing wrong. I'm just helplessly in love with you.

"You just get up now? Jeez man. And I thought I slept in," he says with a laugh. I laugh a little too hard and it sounds a little too forced. But that's just in my mind. It really isn't that I sleep in; it's just that I fall asleep too late, say around five or six in the morning if I'm lucky. I really haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in a while now. Too many thoughts in my head end up keeping me awake. I'm becoming an insomniac, I guess. He notices the second bowl as I pour the first one down the drain. "Two bowls? Hungry much?

"Nah…Riku was just here. He stopped in to say hi and was gonna have some before he remembered he had something to do," I reply. I start putting the dishes away again as I realize I've stopped movement when I began talking about you.

"Oh yeah," Tidus says in a thoughtful voice, as if he'd only just noticed something. "I saw Riku on my way in. He was booking it pretty fast down the street. Wonder where he had to go."

I ignore the fact that you ran from here. Maybe you really did forget. I don't want to think about it right now. Save it for later on a sleepless night. One I know will most likely be tonight.

As I take glances at Tidus I can see a couple thoughts are running through his head now, and with one I catch the slightly worried expression he tries to hide. I close the cabinet, all the dishes, clean or not, put away. I turn to my blonde friend.

"What's wrong?"

I ask this in all seriousness and he seems a bit startled by it. After he regains his composure he gives me an apologetic smile.

"Nothing, it's just…I'm not ruining any plans you had with Riku am I?" he asks. He looks worried and I wave a hand dismissively, a grin on my face.

"'Course not. We don't do stuff together _all_ the time. Besides, he'd understand if I said that I was gonna hang out with you today instead," I tell him honestly. If you're unwilling to let me touch you, how can you expect me to think you'd want me around all the time?

Tidus sighs in relief. "Good. I was worried. I don't want to get between you guys."

I'm a bit startled by his last sentence.

"…What do you mean by that?" I ask.

"Huh? Well, you guys are really good friends right? I don't want to be the cause of a fight if you had plans already is all," he replies, shuffling his feet a little. He fidgets then goes to sit down at the table. I'm still leaning against the counter.

"It's all right. We need a break from each other sometimes, so it's not a big deal if I hang out with you today instead of him," I say with a shrug. I know you wouldn't fight with me just because I chose Tidus over you. You wanted out of here enough that you would run to get away. That's proof enough that you would rather not be near me. It stings, but I ignore it because I've felt it before. I'm used to it.

"Okay," he says with that nervous smile back on his face. I give a silent sigh and then grin at him again, pushing off the counter.

"Well come on then. It's a nice day out, let's go hang out at the beach!" I say, wanting to get both our minds off of things.

Tidus grins and agrees. We head out for the beach and we're there for nearly the whole day. I haven't thought of you once in that time, and Tidus seems to be doing better as well. It's not as though we did anything new or particularly exciting there. We just swam and played around. We even got some sea-salt ice cream after a late lunch. It was a fun day. The most fun I've had since…well, since I got back, really.

You've been on my mind the whole time, so it's nice to have a day where I'm not worried over you constantly. I know you don't want me to worry for you, but can I really help it if it's become a habit?

Ever since that whole thing with the Heartless started, I've been worried about you. I was always wondering where you were, or how you were doing. Were you okay? Would you come back with me? Would I even be able to find you? And when I first found you, it was all wrong. You were possessed. You were so far away then, and it hurt that you would push me away. But then you came to your senses and got locked behind the Door to Light. I had lost you again.

But I promised myself that I would find you and bring you back home. So I kept searching like I had been doing before. Then I finally found you again at the Organization's stronghold and I cried. I _cried_. Because I realized that seeing you in front of me once again was the happiest moment of my life. Knowing you were okay was the best information I'd ever gotten, and seeing you with my own two eyes, even if you weren't quite yourself when we finally were together again, was the most amazing sight in the universe. You were there and I could finally touch you, feel you close to me, and hear your voice. And then we came back home…

"Sora?"

I jerk out of my thoughts, brought back to the reality where you aren't next to me. For a moment I'm confused, thinking I was alone and thinking of you as usual. "Huh?"

"Just makin' sure you're still here. You were spacing out a little," Tidus says with a little laugh at my confused face. I pout a little but there isn't much feeling in it.

"I wasn't spacing!" I reply, trying to sound light-hearted, but not sounding as enthusiastic as it should have been. I hope he doesn't notice, but of course he does. I berate myself for worrying Tidus when I should be helping him instead. I want to blame you for coming into my thoughts, but I don't. It's just me.

"Hey…everything alright?" he asks as he stops walking and turns to look out at the ocean with his hands behind his head. He glances at me from the corner of his eyes and I just stare at him. Suddenly I feel like my legs are jelly and my lips aren't locked quite tight enough. I fall back to sit on the sand so Tidus won't notice my shaking legs, and grin up at him in a futile attempt to convince him that nothing is wrong, even though there is. Everything's wrong. Just so wrong.

"Yeah, everything's fine! I should be asking you that," I say, glad there was no tremor in my voice. Tidus smiles.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm feeling better after hanging out with you," he tells me, and I'm glad. I feel relieved because even in my incompetence and letting my mind wander, I've managed to help him somehow. "Still, whatever you were just thinking about…you seemed really bothered by it."

"It's nothing, really," I try to convince him, but of course he doesn't believe me. Because it isn't nothing. It's everything. He gives me a serious look.

"You helped me, so I wanna help you. If you want to talk about it, you know I'd listen, right?" he says seriously. I stare at him, and I can feel the words wanting to come up. They've been piling up and waiting, and now they want to overflow. But I don't want to bother Tidus with this. It isn't his problem. I can deal with this on my own—

"I'm in love with Riku."

And yet the words still vomit up my throat and out my mouth for the world to hear. Tidus is a little startled by this sudden confession, maybe he hadn't expected me to actually say anything, I hadn't been planning to either; and I'm tearing myself apart on the inside for blurting it out.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

He wasn't supposed to know.

No one is supposed to know.

I didn't mean to…

"I didn't mean to say that," I finally say, desperately wanting to take those words back. My eyes are wide and my heartbeat has picked up. I can hear the blood rushing in my ears and feel the blush of shame rise in my cheeks. Tidus can see it on my face. He knows. He _knows_, and that simple fact makes these feelings so much more real than they were before when they were just being thrown about in my head. Because if someone else knows of these feelings I have for you, then I can never make them forget about it. Because it's already out there and it's become a truth.

"You're…in love with Riku…?" he repeats slowly, taking in what I've so stupidly told him. I fight the urge to bury my head in the sand or drown myself in the ocean right now, if only to end my humiliation and possibly even these feelings. I feel my face heat even more up and Tidus knows the answer is most definitely yes.

"…Somehow…I'm not really surprised…" he says finally. I'm utterly flabbergasted at this, for lack of a better word, although I'm not entirely sure why myself.

"W-why do you say that?" I squeak. I feel my ears begin to burn as I realize the high pitch my voice just took. Tidus laughs at my discomfort, and now I'm seriously considering jumping into the ocean. I pout at him, which just makes him laugh more.

"Same reason I felt like I was coming between you two this morning," he tells me. He looks out at the ocean and a distant smile settles on his lips. I see this, and my humiliation dies away a little. Instead I focus on what Tidus is saying.

"You guys are such good friends; I guess it's bound to happen at some point. You guys have been through a lot together too. I'm not sure what exactly, since none of you ever really told the whole story, but I can tell it was some pretty serious stuff. And who can really blame you for falling in love with your best friend, really? It happens all the time."

He sits down next to me. I'm looking out at the ocean too. The sun is almost gone below the horizon, hiding in order to let the moon rise before it will cycle back up tomorrow. I realize that it's getting pretty late, since the sun sets later during the summer, but I don't care much about time anymore.

A small silence stretches between us, and I feel like I should say something. I know Tidus is inadvertently thinking about Wakka again, and I feel bad for bringing you up. I need to be helping him, not letting you run through my thoughts and around in my mind distracting me.

"So is that the only problem then?" Tidus asks out of the blue.

I don't know what he's talking about, so I ask. He rolls his eyes at me.

"You're worried about whether or not he likes you too, right? Is that the only problem you were thinking about?" he asks again. I don't say anything, so he continues on. "Whenever I see you guys together, I've been noticing some tension between you two. But you know, I wouldn't be surprised if he felt the same about you as you do about him. Maybe that's where all the tension's coming from?"

The words are out before I can do anything again.

"That's not it."

He waits for me to elaborate, and I oblige, figuring that since he already knows how I feel about you, I might as well tell him the rest of my thoughts. After all, misery loves company. I've heard that people with problems like to talk about other people's problems, so what better way to get Tidus' mind off of Wakka than by telling him what's on mine?

"He couldn't like me back. I mean…he's _Riku_. Why would he like me? All I am to him is a friend, and I'm not even sure I'm _that_ to him anymore. He's been so weird lately..."

I pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. My cheek rests against my knee and I look down at the golden white sand surrounding me. I hear Tidus shift.

"He won't…let me touch him, so I don't really…reach out anymore. Every time I do, I can see him pull back that tiny distance, I can see the hesitation he has in receiving any contact. And I can see he does the same with everyone else, but every time he does it around me it feels like…like…"

"Like he's rejecting you every time he does it?" Tidus asks, finishing my sentence for me.

"Yeah…"

I hate this. I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm so tired of worrying and wondering and wanting and just not being able to touch you. I just want things to resolve themselves. I want things to go back to the way they were before. I want it back.

Suddenly I feel drained. I feel like I could fall asleep right now with the ocean lapping against my toes, the gentle breeze blowing by, and Tidus's warmth beside me. It's a welcome change to the sleepless nights I've had. I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder, surprising him with the contact. I feel even sleepier than before, and I just want to be taken into that sweet oblivion. I feel a little better, leaning against Tidus. I'm so tired, I don't care anymore. I just want to touch someone now, feel their skin and the warmth that radiates from it. I feel comfortable in the heat beside me as I feel arms come around my shoulders, rubbing my arm in a comforting way. I feel a little better.

I just want some contact.

I just want to feel something.

In the absence of you, I guess I have Tidus for the moment.

I drift off, not even caring that we're still outside.

_~~~Land~~~_

I run away. Away from your house. Away from you. Away from my thoughts, though they follow persistently. I'm jealous. I know I shouldn't be. It's stupid of me to be. You're just hanging out with Tidus. It's not like you've replaced me with him.

I'm just scared. Scared you won't want me by your side soon. And what can I do if you ask that of me, other than oblige? I'm selfish enough as it is just by spending as much of my time with you as I can, or at least I'm trying to. If the time comes that you don't want me anymore, I've resolved to let you go. Because it's what you want, and I only want you to be happy.

I slow down to a stop, ignoring the fact that I'm on one of the busier sidewalks in our little island town. People just go around me, minding their own business. I feel cold despite the warm midday sun beating down mercilessly, and I feel alone. So alone. I've gotten used to this feeling, this isolation that I've put myself in. It's no one's fault but my own, and for a moment I wish you would show up with that bright smile of yours and things would be just like they used to be. No mixed feelings, no awkwardness, no more restraint.

I want you to be happy.

Happy.

I'm not even sure what would make you happy anymore. I feel helpless and lost. You always seem sad in a way beneath that smile you flash at me, and after talking with Kairi yesterday, I feel as if I have a vague knowledge of the reason for it.

I start walking again, not really knowing where I'm going. I have no place to be today. I'm just wandering, and that's okay, because I need to figure this out.

I want you to be happy and I want you to smile like you mean it. Every time you're around me, you don't seem to have that spark you used to. I miss it, but going by what Kairi was suggesting yesterday, I have something to do with that loss. I don't want to be the cause of your misery.

I figure I've done something to upset you. Maybe I've been too intrusive or too clingy. Maybe I've been hovering around you too much. I feel like I never have enough time with you, and I always want to ask if I can stay over after we've spent the day together, even if I know that would be the worst scenario I could put myself in. Ever since the last time we did that…

I remember you inviting me over for the night. It was about two months after we got back and everything was over. Everything was calm and the worlds were at peace.

You pouted because I said we weren't kids anymore. I laughed because you just looked too cute, and I gave in, saying I'd stay. You were happy and grinning, and I was glad to have put that expression on your face. The expression that I miss so much now.

We played games and stayed up late watching a movie. Then we were both exhausted, but neither of us really wanted to go to sleep. We kept talking, sharing your bed like we used to when we were little. Your bed was small, but we didn't mind. I hadn't a clue back then. I was hesitant of contact with everyone then too, but I guess I'm worse now, especially around you. Still, I was willing if you wanted me there. We whispered and laughed quietly, careful not to wake your parents. There was a pause, and then you hugged me suddenly, tightly, as if you were never going to let go. I felt warmth from that, and I hugged you right back, just as tightly. And then you spoke.

_"Riku…I'm so glad you're back."_

I said you were a little late with that, but you didn't pout like I thought you would. You just pulled yourself closer to me, burying your head under my chin. I felt your chestnut hair brush my face, soft as ever despite the misleading shape.

_"I was so afraid, you know?" _you went on, _"I was so afraid you would disappear again, and then I'd never be able to find you. I was so worried I wouldn't find you after you shut yourself behind the Door to Light with the King. I just wanted to know you were safe."_

I could feel you trembling. I felt horrible for having made you worry like that. I couldn't understand why you would be worried about me, though. After what I'd done, you shouldn't have even wanted to find me. But here you were, telling me you were afraid that you never would. I didn't take it for granted.

_"I'm safe now. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere,"_ I promised you, wanting to reassure you. I wanted you to stop trembling. I wanted you to stop being so afraid. You're so brave all the time; it's unnerving to know you had been so scared then, that you still held that fear. My words seemed to calm you down, and soon enough you fell asleep in my arms.

As I realized that, I felt a strange feeling of satisfaction in the weight of your body next to mine and in my arms. I basked in the proximity, knowing it was a closeness we never really shared out in the open. Then you shifted, moving closer to me and brushing against me. It had an effect I wasn't really expecting. I went stiff, wondering how the hell that could have happened. I wanted to panic, I wanted to get away, but you were right there, sleeping comfortably in my arms. I looked down at your face, adorable and beautiful with shapes of moonlight dancing over your skin. Your lips were moist and parted, and your cheeks were flushed, probably from holding back the tears (I guessed, since I could see a thin, wet trail leading over your nose). My problem only got bigger as I looked on, and I felt so ashamed.

You had just told me you were afraid I would disappear and that you had been scared you would never find me, and here I was getting hard over looking at your sleeping face.

I indulged in the feeling of having you in my arms until morning, feeling like a dirty old man the whole time and knowing I couldn't—didn't want to stop, and when the sun began to rise…I left. You were still asleep, blissful in ignorance. I didn't get any sleep for the next two nights.

I think about this and I realize this is when it started. This feeling. This monster in my chest that's constantly trying to claw its way out. I'm ashamed all over again. This shouldn't happen. You're my best friend. I love you to death, but I shouldn't love you this much and it's driving me insane that I do.

Maybe I've been acting differently since then. Are you worried because of it? I wonder. Maybe you are, and you're sad I won't tell you about it? I wonder.

I don't want to take chances anymore. I don't want to feel this anymore.

I find resolve as I turn to begin the long walk home, the sun already about to set. I've wasted the entire day, but at least I know what I should do now. I get to the beach and walk along the boardwalk that's set up at the top of it for a while. I feel calmer and my head is starting to clear as the ocean breeze glides over my skin, chilling it and giving it warmth at the same time. Something catches my eye down by the shoreline and I stop. I look closer and there you are.

You're sitting with Tidus. Your head is on his shoulder and his arm is around your back, while the remains of the setting sun bask you both in its light. It looks like every romantic's dream. Sitting on the sand, looking out over the ocean with the setting sun in the distance, and curled up in your lover's arms. I stare on for a few more seconds, like I want the image burned into my eyes, and then tear my gaze away. I continue walking on, pretending as if I hadn't seen you.

I'm not involved. I won't get involved.

I won't throw away my resolve.

Because I've decided I need to stay away from you until I can get rid of these feelings.

So I walk on, hoping to leave it all behind me.

* * *

**A/N:** So that's it. I hope you all liked it just as much as the first, and hopefully I'm staying on track with this. I'd love, love, love, love, _loveee!_ To hear your lover-ly reviews and feedback, so please push this beautiful review button below. Reviews really do make me write faster, so if you don't want to wait for obnoxious amounts of time (like with what happened when writing my last story), you should come on in and yell at me to write the chapter already. Thanks for your time and review please!


	3. Unwell

**Title: **Touch Me

**Author: **Raining on my Parade

**Summary:** Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

**Disclaimer:** No, even after this extended absence, I still do not own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **Yeahhh…..hey. So here's the new and improved chapter 3! New directions and everything. A lot of it's the same I think, but major change from here on out is that they don't go anywhere. So yeah. Sorry for the epically long wait, but it's all done now and this will be updated about every other day. All I ask is that you review to tell me what you think.

Oh! And as a **heads up/warning thing:** there shall be mature content at the end of the last chapter (which is done as of now), but nothing crude or anything shall be used to describe it, because really, this is meant to be a sweet, caring relationship. Which means we can't have them suddenly referring to everything in ways that would take them out of character for this fic. So, now that the warning is over with, enjoy please!

Oh hey! Hey look! I gave the chapters names too! Aren't I so cool?

**Guide: **~~~_Sky~~~ _or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, **this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply**. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 3 : Unwell**

~~~_Sky_~~~

You haven't come by in three days. I'm worried, but also sort of relieved. Should I be? I don't even know. I'm confused.

I miss you.

I don't miss you.

I've been hanging out with Tidus instead. When I realize that you aren't coming to pick me up like you always used to, I go out and look for him.

Tidus knows that's the reason I'm spending so much time with him, although I always say I really do want to spend time with him, even if you were supposed to come over. He doesn't argue, but he knows it's not the complete truth. It doesn't stop the guilty feeling. Tidus just goes on and forgives me though, saying I'm a nice distraction too. We laugh and go on, trying to forget the pain and just have a little fun, because that's all we really can do. Laughter is the best medicine, so I've heard. If that's true though, I may just be allergic to it, since it doesn't seem to be doing much good. That doesn't stop me from trying my best.

"Ow!" I hold my injured head and look at Tidus, who just hit me over the head, with a pout. He just grins.

"Stop thinking and let's go get some ice cream," he says and then runs off laughing. I run after him after a moment, laughing just the same. I really do try my best, and it helps that Tidus can tell when I'm thinking of you.

~~~_Land_~~~

Avoidance was probably not the smartest strategy, but it seems to be effective enough. It's already been over a week since I started avoiding you. From the glimpses I see of you, you're always laughing with Tidus. You're happy as you should always be. Sometimes I wonder if you think about my absence. You haven't come to find me yet, so I assume you don't. Really, why should you if I'm the one who has been causing you pain? I'm jealous, of course (I won't deny it anymore), when ever I see you with Tidus, but I know that you'll just get sad again if I try to reestablish myself by your side. I don't want that, so I stay away.

I'm glad you've found something to make you happy again though, even if it isn't me.

I cough suddenly, needing to stop walking in order to keep myself from falling over. A dizzy spell hits hard, and I try to stay still even as the ground beneath me seems to be moving around every which way. I squeeze my eyes shut, and it ends as quickly as it came. I don't feel any better. I feel worse. But I don't know what to do about it.

I haven't been feeling well in this past week. At first it was barely noticeable. A cough here or there. Nothing too serious. A few days ago it was the same, but I felt a little more tired than usual. Now, it's grown into fits and dizzy spells. I think if I have the flu, even if it doesn't seem like any flu I've ever had. One can never be too careful, though, I guess. I should probably go home and rest, and then tell my mom about it when she gets back tonight. She over reacts to things, but I'll need help if it's something worse. Readjusting the plastic bags of groceries my mom asked me to get for real this time in my hands, I decide I need to get home as soon as possible. I can feel a wave of tiredness chasing after me as I go.

I start walking faster. I don't get very far when a voice calls out my name. I wish for a second that it's you, because it's been more than a week since I've heard your voice actually addressing me, but it's too high. I don't even know what I would do if it were you. Run away probably. Or try to at least. I don't know if I would get very far in my condition.

"Riku! Hey!" It's Kairi.

I stop and turn. She comes running from where I had just come from. She stops with a smile and catches her breath.

"Hey," I say without much enthusiasm. The wave hits and crashes over me, leaving me feeling even more drained than the last one. I just want to get home and lay down now. I don't want to deal with her.

"Hey," she repeats with a smile. She spots the bags in my hands. "Going home?"

I nod, hoping she'll tell me what she wants quickly and then leave me alone. Of course, it doesn't happen.

"I'll help! Selphie's away visiting family so I've been bored all day with nothing to do. Hey, let's go find Sora and hang out after you drop these off! It's been _way_ too long since we all did that," she says happily. She doesn't notice my eyes widen as she reaches for one of the bags.

"No," I say quickly. She pauses and looks up with confusion. I realize that I may have refused that too quickly, but I don't care. I can't see you. I don't want your questions if you have any, and I don't want to know that you may not have noticed my absence at all.

"I can carry these," I explain, trying to make up an excuse. She doesn't know how I feel, and I want to keep it that way. She also doesn't know that I've been avoiding you, another thing I want to stay as it is. "And Sora's hanging out with Tidus. Maybe we could do it tomorrow."

I don't sound as excited about this as I should, considering. She frowns and I feel like she can see through me. It's unpleasant. I don't want her to see. See that I've caused you so much misery. See that I'm miserable myself. See that I'm _sick_. I'm so sick. I start to feel dizzy again, so I shut my eyes and hope it will pass quickly. It does, but when I open my eyes, Kairi's giving me a concerned look.

"You okay?" she asks. There's only worry behind her words. Somehow it makes me feel guilty. She shouldn't be worrying over me. No one should.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired," I say, shrugging the dizzy spell off as best as I can. I turn to start walking home again. "I need to get this home. You can tag along if you like."

"Oh, it's only the one thing I've been waiting to do my whole life!" she replies as if she were a fan girl agreeing to whatever her idol wanted her to do. She follows beside me. Eventually she wrestles a bag from one of my hands, insisting that she should help. She chatters on about menial things that I only half listen to, the things she recently bought on a shopping trip, what she and Selphie had been doing before the brunette girl's departure, what she thinks we should do for my birthday. August 22nd. It's coming up soon. Just a month from now, and I'll be eighteen. Officially I will be an adult. It's strange. I already feel much older than an adolescent. I've seen things people shouldn't see, been places most people will never go. I've matured, but it's to be expected after everything that has happened.

I walk into my house. Mom is gone, at work as expected. Dad is never home because he's never been in the picture. It didn't matter though. Mom and I always got through fine as we were. Kairi and I go to the small kitchen and set the bags down on the table. I begin distributing everything to their rightful places, and Kairi takes a seat, watching me. She doesn't say a word, an odd change from before when she was talking about anything and everything. I don't prompt her. I just put food away and wait for her to begin.

At last she does.

"How have you been?" she asks, catching me a little off guard. I glance at her. She's playing with a loose string on her shirt, trying to get it off. She looks uninterested, like it's something she asks every day, and it is. But I realize that there's something more behind what she's asking. I get out a pair of scissors and hand them to her before going back to putting things away. "Thanks."

I shrug and say, "I've been fine."

She doesn't comment on the lie. I'm not sure if she caught it or not. Instead she asks, "Where have you been all week?"

"Around," I answer, aware of just how vague it is. It's the truth though. I haven't had a place to be. I've lost my place, although I suppose I should say I've given it up. I can feel her eyes on my back, and when I turn around to get the last of the food, she tries to stare me down. I ignore it and finish up in the silence. I turn around and lean against the counter, folding my arms across my chest and looking at the floor, not really sure what else to say to her. Eventually she sighs and looked down at her hands which she folds in front of her on the table.

"Look I don't know what's up with you, but you know I'm here for you right?" She glances up, a small frown on her face. I can see where this is going. "You know you can talk to me. You have people who care about you—"

"I told you I'm fine, Kairi."

"—and you have people who worry about you!" she continues as if I hadn't said a thing. Her eyebrows are pulled down. I can see the worry in her eyes from earlier coming back full force.

"I know," I say firmly. "But really, I'm—"

Coughing interrupts my insistence, ruining any chance I had of possibly convincing her that what I was saying was true. When it stops, I'm bent over, throat raw and Kairi next to me, hand on my back rubbing soothing circles. I realize that this is definitely worse than I had thought it to be.

"Fine? I'm pretty sure hacking up a lung doesn't constitute as 'fine.'" She pushes me to sit down at the table as I pull breath into my tired lungs.

"I know. I know I'm sick." _In more ways than one._ "But I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me." I want to tell her she shouldn't be here, but I can't find it in me to push her away. Not when she's looking at me like that.

"Don't tell me not to be worried. You know it'll just make it worse. Imagine if Sora knew." My jaw clenches. It's tiny, but she sees it. "I know you haven't seen him all week either. And you _know_ he's there for you too. He would be more worried than me if he saw you're doing to yourself. He _is_ worried already."

I shake my head, frowning. You can't be worried. Why would you be? I was causing you trouble before, I was bringing you down. Hearing this from Kairi, I don't want to believe it. It makes me want to run to you and assure you that I'm fine (even though I _am_ sick, which I'm feeling is getting worse as this conversation goes on). It makes me want to forget why I'm staying away from you in the first place. But I can't. Not until I can trust myself around you, though I'm not sure I ever will.

I stand up. I don't want to hear anymore. Even if I feel like I shouldn't push her away when she looks so worried, I want to be alone again. It's so much easier to stay away when I'm alone, when there isn't a reminder of you.

"Riku, come on, listen to me," Kairi pleads, grabbing my arm. She tries to push me back into the chair, but I resist, just trying to get around her. All I want to do is sleep and forget. I feel miserable, both from whatever this sickness is and the fact that I'm horrible for wanting to break my resolve. She doesn't let go.

"I know something's wrong. I won't force you to tell me anything, but you shouldn't be shutting yourself away like this! You're sick already, and I know you don't take care of yourself when you're anxious over something—"

"Kairi…" I try to interrupt. The room is beginning to spin again. It's worse this time. It's nauseating, and I'm just barely keeping a grip on myself. She doesn't stop.

"No, just listen already. Stop trying to push everyone away. I can see what you're doing—"

"Kairi." I need her to stop. This doesn't feel like just a dizzy spell anymore. I can see blackness creeping into the edges of my vision and for a moment I'm terrified before I realize that it's just the possibility that I may faint soon. I need to sit, but her grip on my arm is keeping me up. I can't find any energy to pull away anymore. She doesn't notice.

"Don't try to deny it Riku. It's what you always do. It's gotten worse ever since—"

"Kairi!" I say with all the strength I can muster at this moment. She stops and finally takes a good look at my face, which I know has to be white as a piece of paper. I can feel a cold sweat cropping up across my forehead. My eyes clench shut, trying to lessen this dizzying sensation.

"Riku," she breathes. I can hear the guilt in her voice for not having noticed my predicament earlier.

Before she can even ask, I give her an answer, "I'm definitely not fine."

And then I collapse into the inviting darkness.

When I wake up, I hear familiar, fuzzy voices, feel a blinding headache stabbing my brain, and a cold sweat covers my burning skin. My eyes begin tearing up from the pain and heat as soon as they open. I blink a few times for clarity and take in where I am. The last thing I remembered was Kairi and the kitchen. Now when I look around, not daring to move my head too much for fear of making the stabbing worse, I see that I've been taken to my room. I recognize the off white ceiling, the poorly made wooden ships that you and I made when we were younger hanging from it, the boring walls covered with posters and pictures and little toy cars that we nailed along a road we drew in weaving through it all. It's familiar. It's safe. I briefly wonder how in the world Kairi got me here, being the stick that she is. It doesn't last though. I just want to go back to sleep.

The fuzzy voices are muffled and probably somewhere down the hall from my room. I can't hear what they say, but I let the murmur lull me back into the depths of darkness.

The next time I wake up, the house is silent. It is night time and moonlight spills across my room, hitting piles of dirty clothes and other various discarded things. The pain and heat persist, but I'm still too tired to really care. It's uncomfortable, but by instinct I know that any excessive movement would only make it more so. I hear clomping footsteps make their way through the hall. They stop in front of my door and after a few minutes, the door cracks open. No lights are on in the hallway, so there's only a dark silhouette that peeks into my room. I turn my head slowly to whoever it is and see my mother's face in the moonlight. It's tired, worn, and worried, and as soon as she sees that I'm looking blearily at her, she enters the room fully.

"Hey, how're you feeling?" she asks quietly as she comes and kneels by my bed. She smoothes back bangs that stick to my sweat forehead with a cool hand that feels good against my burning skin.

"Horrible," I reply in a horse voice, but still managing to give her a smile. She smiles back and strokes my hair in that motherly way she always used to when I was younger.

"I would imagine so. You have a cold apparently. I told the doctor people don't just keel over from a cold, but he said that was probably from fatigue." She pauses. "Is everything okay, hun? I know I'm not here as much as either of us would like, but I like to know what's going on in your life and I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't ask."

"Everything's fine mom. Just didn't get very much sleep last night." It's a lie and I feel horrible as I say it. The smile feels forced, but I'm sure she attributes it to the fact that I'm sick. "Don't worry about it."

She sighs. "If you say so honey. I just don't want you to keep everything to yourself all the time. You tend to do that, and that's never good for your health obviously. Even if you can't tell me about it, please find someone you can talk to. You can't always do everything yourself."

My chest starts to hurt with her words. Still, I have to keep this to myself. I may not be able to do everything by myself, but I have to do _this_ by myself. There's no one that can help me get over you, and it's definitely nothing anyone else needs to know.

"I know mom. Everything's fine, really," I say before a coughing fit starts. She's up and out of the room before I'm done, and then back soon after it stops with a glass of water in her hand. She asks if I can drink it myself, and I say yes, because I think I have just enough strength to do it. She props me up, a comforting hand rubbing circles on my back, as my shaky hands take the glass and bring it to my lips. The cool liquid feels good against my raw throat, and the glass is drained within seconds. I can feel fatigue overtaking me again as I lay back down.

Mom leaves again with the glass to refill it, and takes a washcloth with her that I hadn't noticed was crumpled beside my head on the pillow. She comes back and sets the glass on the nightstand. The washcloth is placed on my forehead, cold and damp and wonderful against the persistent heat. She smoothes my hair back again and places a kiss on my cheek with a warm, worried smile.

"You should get some rest. Maybe you'll feel better in the morning."

I smile back, eyelids already drooping closed. "I hope so."

She gives me one last kiss on the cheek and leaves the room quietly, no heavy, clomping footsteps this time. My thoughts swirl for a moment before I go back to sleep. I wish everything I felt right now was like this fever I have. I wish that I could go to sleep and sweat it out overnight, so that everything would be better in the morning. Things would be so much simpler then. I wouldn't have to hide, and everything would really, truly be fine again. Oh how I wish I could…

When morning comes, I still feel horrible. The sun from my window hits my eyes and wakes me. Mom checks in on me, brings me food, and tells me that Kairi will be over later before she leaves for work. It's not that she doesn't want to stay and take care of me herself, it's that she has to keep working in order to keep her job. I know this and she knows this, but it doesn't stop her from looking guilty as she leaves my room, keys and things in hand.

In the wake of the silence her departure leaves, I manage to sit up myself and drink the fresh water she brought me. I get through a quarter of the soup before I feel my stomach curling in on itself, ready to heave. I lay back down and wait for the sensation to pass, and while I do, I hear Kairi enter the house. She heads straight to my room, and I only realize that there are two sets of footsteps just before the door to my room swings open to reveal both her and the very one I've spent over a week avoiding, you. There's no chance to flee, as I very much doubt that I could get up at this point, and there's no way for me to ask you to leave without raising questions from Kairi as well. So I stay there, curled up on my side, waiting for my stomach to settle and for you to leave so that I can continue with my plan of avoidance.

"Riku, how're you feeling?" you ask.

It's annoying how just hearing your voice still makes my heart speed up.

I curl into myself more, certain that my pounding heart is making a racket loud enough for all to hear. "Just peachy," is the unconcerned, sarcastic remark I bite back. I don't look at you because after a week away, I just know I'll stare. All I see is the white sheets of my bed and the edge of a dark green shirt I know belongs to you in my peripheral vision.

"Did you eat?" Kairi asks. I hear a chair from my desk being dragged over and then someone sitting in it. I don't look up to see who.

"Yeah. It isn't agreeing with me though."

"Are you gonna throw up?" you ask. It sounds close and I curl into myself even more.

It's annoying how you being so close still makes me want to touch you.

"I'll be fine. It's passing."

"You sure?" you ask again. I feel a hand run through my hair lightly, too big to be Kairi's, but still smaller than my own. It takes all my control not to flinch away from the touch.

It's annoying just how much I just want to hold your hand, go to sleep, and wake up knowing that you'll still be there.

"Riku, here. I have something that'll help with that," Kairi says, now just as close as you are. Your hand retreats and I finally look up. I try to focus just on Kairi, not letting my eyes glance over your worried expression. She has two pills in her hand that is outstretch toward me. With a slow nod, I start to get up on my own. My arms shake and before I can say anything, you're holding me up and rubbing comforting patterns on my back, just like my mom did last night.

_Stop_. I want to tell you. _Stop it_.

I keep the words to myself and swallow them down with the water and pills Kairi offers. I drain the rest of the glass and gently push you away to lie back down. I don't want you so close. I don't know what I'll do if you stay that close, even if I _am_ sick. I still don't trust myself enough, even after a week. I don't look to see what kind of expression you make when I push you away. I don't want to see if you're hurt (which is a lie, because I hate it when I hurt you), and I don't want to see if you don't even care.

I'm so selfish and such a coward…

…I hate myself.

"Thanks," I say, if only to fill the silence. I curl back up, waiting for the medicine to kick in and wanting to ignore your presence. It definitely isn't as easy as I wish it were. My eyes are closed after a while and I force my breathing to even out, just to fake falling asleep. Maybe you will leave if I do this. I don't know. I just don't want to have to confront you, even if Kairi is there. This is torture, trying to push you away like this, and every second I spend trying to do it, keeping myself still instead of reaching out and pulling you to me (if I even could), it gets harder and harder to do.

"You don't have to stay, you know," Kairi says after a while, to Sora I assume. "Tidus is gonna miss you."

I keep the twitch at the sound of his name still and push the wave of jealousy back. I have no right, and besides, I'm pretending to be asleep now.

"He's practicing with a few guys from his blitzball team today, he'll be fine without me," you reply, completely serious and still next to me from what I can tell. I hear Kairi scoff.

"I wouldn't know, seeing as how you've both been practically glued to each other. What happened? I thought you usually hung out with Riku."

"I don't always have to hang out with Riku," you snap back. I can't hide the flinch from the blatant rejection, so I try to make it seem like I'm just adjusting myself in my sleep. I can feel your eyes on me, and your voice is quieter the next time you speak. "Tidus needed someone to talk to and help get his mind off things, so I decided to be there for him. I can't help it that Riku never showed up to hang out with us."

"What if Riku was just waiting to spend some time with you without Tidus?" I wasn't (I was), but I hold my tongue and wish that this argument moves somewhere else. I don't need a confirmation and reminders that you really don't care like you used to or that you're letting me hold on because I'm a pity case. "Don't you think you were being a little selfish, assuming Riku would just join you whenever?"

There is no answer.

"Something's bothering him," Kairi says, quieter than before after a few seconds.

Again you don't answer, and Kairi doesn't continue. We all stay where we are, suspended in a moment, in the silence, and I feel like a weight has settled on me. It starts in my head, sinking into my brain, and settles on my chest. It's something like a fear. I want you both to leave, but I can't do anything. I'm supposed to be asleep. I'm being a coward and hiding from you, so that I can have as little interaction with you as possible. Kairi doesn't say anymore to you, and I don't hear you speaking either. I feel tense in the silence as I just focus on staying still until eventually I am able to relax in the tension and darkness pulls at my mind again.

I want you both to leave, but I hear neither of you make a move as I find myself falling asleep yet again (for real this time). I shouldn't be causing so much worry, so much fuss. Kairi shouldn't be getting concerned if something's bothering me, I'll handle it. And she most definitely shouldn't be telling you her concerns of me. I don't want you involved because I'm not involving myself with you anymore.

How long will this have to last, I wonder? How long do I have to keep myself away from you before this sickness goes away?

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**A/N:** So! Remember, even though I've been a bad author for letting this go without an update for half a year, please click the pretty review button and let me know your thoughts. Okay? Thank you very much for reading!


	4. Courage, Coward

**Title: **Touch Me

**Author: **Raining on my Parade

**Summary:** Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

**Disclaimer:** it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **Next chapter here we go! Told ya it'd be up quick.

**Guide:**

~~~_Sky~~~ _or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, **this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply**. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!

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Chapter 4 : Courage, Coward

_~~~Sky~~~_

You aren't awake when I visit you the next day, without Kairi. It gives me a cold feeling in my stomach, like maybe you knew I was coming and didn't want to talk. You've certainly given me that impression from yesterday. The entire time I was there, you barely said a word directly to me and you never once looked at me.

It makes me sad.

It makes me angry.

But most of all, it makes me feel as though you hate me, and I don't want that to happen. I can't imagine what I've done now. I haven't seen you in a week, so I couldn't have possibly done anything. Maybe it was something from before I found Tidus…I wonder as I look around your room and then back to your sleeping form.

You look so peaceful and my heart lifts a little at this. You deserve this peace. I know you beat yourself up over things that aren't your fault all the time. You need a reprieve from it all once in a while.

Words from the day before float into my mind, from Kairi.

"_What if Riku was just waiting to spend some time with you without Tidus?"_

You couldn't have been. You've never waited to do that before. You would always just pull me aside or say that you wanted to hang out alone. I figure you being mad at me for something is more plausible than anything else. You tend to keep those things to yourself anyway.

The door opens quietly, and there is Kairi. She looks a little surprised to see me, but she smiles right after. Her eyes glance to your bed, and she quietly walks further into the room, leaving the door open.

"Hey," she says quietly. I nod a greeting with a weak smile of my own before looking back to you. She doesn't say anything about it. Instead she pulls up another chair to sit beside me. In her hand is a book which she promptly opens and begins reading.

Of course, I don't expect her to be silent forever.

"You don't have to come every day you know," she says.

"I know," I reply.

_I just want to see you._

"He may not wake up for a while. He slept a lot yesterday too," she says.

"..."

I'm ready to wait just to see you up and hopefully better than yesterday. I don't care if you ignore me again. I just want to see you well. Or so I tell myself.

A question burns up past my throat in the patient silence, more a thought spoken out loud than an actual question meant to be asked (though I know I want to hear the answer to it).

"Do you think we could start over? Riku and I?" I ask quietly, watching as you flip in your sleep to face the wall. The thin sheets uncover lean, alabaster muscle shining with a thin sheen of sweat no doubt from the fever that has set in. I stare at it, an indulgence that I shouldn't be taking part in, and then lean over to cover you again both so that you'll be warm and Kairi won't notice the hunger in my eyes. It's a hunger that makes me want to run my fingers across your abs, kiss your chest, and taste every part of your body. It's a hunger I've been trying to avoid because I know it's quite impossible for it to be fulfilled. And so I look to Kairi, because I want her to say yes. I want her to say that everything can be fixed. I want her to say that this hunger will go away.

But of course she doesn't. She doesn't know about it in the first place.

"Are you two fighting?" she asks, a little confusion lining her voice. She looks thoughtful and a small frown of concern has appeared. It seems to be showing up more often, which I feel guilty about. I blame myself for that. You too, but mostly myself. Because either I'm the reason for whatever this tension between us is or I'm blowing everything out of proportion, and it's only making Kairi concerned.

"I don't know," I say truthfully, "he doesn't tell me anything anymore." Which is true as well, and it's bugging the crap out of me. I wish you would just talk to me like you used to.

"Maybe you're both drifting apart then."

She says it so matter-of-factly, as if things like that happen everyday (which they do, though I never dreamed it would happen between us), or that it was bound to happen at some point. My eyes just widen. She shrugs to the fear in my face. "It happens. You've both been spending time away from each other; you don't seem as close as you used to be. It's either that or you're in a fight."

I shake my head in disbelief. Horrible possibilities pass through my mind all at once. I don't want to let you go. I don't want to be without you. I don't want you to be mad at me and I don't want you to forget about me either.

I look to Kairi and see her comforting half-smile as she waits for my mini mental breakdown to pass. I ask her silently for an answer, for a way to fix all this. And it's like she can read my mind.

"I can't tell you what's wrong Sora. You have to ask him," she tells me after a while. With a sigh, she turns to look at you, still sleeping peacefully and unaware. "He's stubborn, so if something really _is_ bothering him, you know you'll have to keep pestering him. Besides, if anyone can get what's wrong with him out in the open, it's you Sora. He trusts you the most, and I know he wouldn't want to lose that."

A cool breeze floats in and flutters the sheer drapes over your window. My eyes trace your face, memorizing the features I already know so well, trying to gather my thoughts.

"I don't know anymore, I say in a small voice that I hate and know has all the fear and confusion and hurt that I've held in that one sentence. Suddenly Kairi is up and hugging me from behind and laying her head against the top of my head.

"Just ask him. He may not answer you right away, but he will eventually." She kisses the top of my head with the sisterly affection she's grown into between us. It makes me feel a little better to know that she's there for me. "Just hang in there, okay?"

I squeeze the thin arm looped around me and she lets go. I turn back and grin up at her with a little more confidence than before. "I will."

She nods and moves aside as I get up. You're still asleep, but I can wait another day. I doubt that you'll tell me right away, though you used to, and I kind of doubt that I'm absolutely ready to open this can of worms. I need a little time to prepare myself for rejections and for what I will say. Even if it hurts, I want to see this through though. Because, even if I want you for myself, you are my friend first. I want to find what I can do for you and make you happy before anything else may happen. That's really all I want (mostly…).

I don't go back to see you for a few days. I spend that time with Tidus. I watch him practice and think about what I should say to you. He understands why I'm spacing, and leaves me be when he has things to do. But that doesn't mean he just leaves me alone while I follow him around blindly. When he has time, he pulls me out to the real world. He reminds me that my world isn't just you. He reminds me that as much as I want to fix this, I can't forget about everything (and everyone) else in the mean time.

So I let him pull me back because I know he means well and I feel I need a distraction. Getting stressed won't do me any good, that much I know.

"You should just wing it. You're not very good at the whole planning things out anyway," Tidus says one day. Practice has ended for him, so now we're just passing a ball back and forth. No fancy tricks since I don't know any, just passing for lack of anything better to do. He tells me this after a comfortable silence has settled in and when I miss the ball for a third time. It gets my attention, and I pout when what he has said finally sinks in.

"You're not much better," I reply, knowing he's talking about my dilemma with you. I don't see much point in keeping things from him now since he already knows how I feel for you. And it's nice to have someone to talk things out with. I pick up the ball I missed and toss it back to him. He catches it and shrugs.

"Didn't say I was." He throws the ball back. "I was just giving a suggestion since you seem to be thinking this hard about it."

I think about it a moment. I'm really not good at planning anything. Ever. I can recall a few times when I tried, and many things went wrong. So I suppose it's safe to say I'm more of a spontaneous person. Finally the thought comes to me that maybe that's how I have to go about this. Spontaneously. Either way, Tidus is right once again (he usually is, I've learned) and I'm kind of glad now that he accidentally found out and every so often helps me out. I grin at him, forgetting about the ball I forgot to catch so that I can run up and give him a hug.

"Thanks!" I say sincerely. The urge to see you now and finally have it out blossoms all at once in my chest, but I reel it in for a moment. I don't want to just ditch Tidus. He's my friend too, and I don't want him to feel any less important to me. So I pull back and ask him silently for permission to go. He doesn't look at me, but a smile is on his lips.

"I'm not going to stop you, ya know? I've been trying to cheer you up because of this, I'm not going to make you wait until tomorrow to fix it."

His cheeks are red, I guess from embarrassment of the sudden hug, or maybe it's bashfulness at having helped me. I don't really know, but it's quite adorable. I don't give it much more thought other than that to hug him again with another thanks to make his cheeks even more red before I run off to find you.

_~~~Land~~~_

I'm a bit bewildered and I'm a bit lost.

I'm part mad, part depressed, and part happy.

To say the least, I'm very confused right now. So much so that I'm really not sure what I should do.

I've been bedridden these past few days. I'm sick and recovering and feel like crap. And then to add to it, you (whom I've been trying very hard to avoid and had been doing a relatively good job of until now) decide to pop in every once in a while to ask how I am and if anything is wrong. You pin me with accusing stares. You trap me with a grin. You make me speechless with your concern.

I don't want it.

I want it.

I want you.

I don't want you.

I'm having a war inside my head every time you're around. Since I can't go anywhere, I have to stay put and wait for you to be satisfied and leave. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to successfully fake sleeping, but it doesn't always work. You just sit and stay and I can feel your eyes on me for hours before either I give up or you do. It never deters you from coming back the next day though.

You need to stop before it all comes out. You don't need to know why I'm acting this way. You need to just leave me be until I'm ready and able to be near you again.

It's frustrating. It's maddening.

I never say much when you catch me up. You talk enough for the both of us, but I know you're trying to fill in the silence. I know you want to know. I'm working hard to make sure you won't.

But now I'm better. I can move around. I'm not at my best, but it's been a while since I've been at my best. At least now I can leave. At least now I don't have to sit still. It feels wonderful to be able to get up again without thinking I'm going to pass out or throw up.

I change and shower, which makes me feel even better. Nothing is like a hot shower to clean away a sickness (or most of it anyway). It's when I get out of the shower that I hear something. It's too early for my mother to be home from work. Selphie has returned and Kairi told me that they were going to be together the whole day. I can only assume it is one person.

I panic for about three seconds before I open my window and jump out. Lucky for me my house is only one story high.

I'm gone as soon as my feet touch the grass of my yard.

**

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A/N: and we come to the end of this. Different from what it was, right? Let me know what you think of it by clicking the pretty review button even if you don't like it! Thank you very much for the reviews on the last chapter. I'm really glad people still like this so much!**


	5. Hear Me Out

**Title: **Touch Me

**Author: **Raining on my Parade

**Summary:** Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

**Disclaimer:** it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **And here's another one! I'm keeping my promise! Thank you for the reviews by the way!

**Guide:**

~~~_Sky~~~ _or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, **this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply**. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 5 : Hear Me Out**

_~~~Sky~~~_

This is getting just plain annoying now. Annoyingly depressing, but annoying all the same. Honestly, I'm glad you're feeling better now, but I wish you would just _stay put!_ I realize that yes, you are avoiding me, and yes, you may not want to talk to me, but _god damn it_ you have to at least hear me out. I've finally gotten my resolve, and just when I think I'm getting somewhere, you get better and take off for who knows where.

I sigh for about the hundredth time today as I sit on a bench along the streets of our hometown. It isn't all that busy since it's only about three in the afternoon, but I've been searching all morning. I can't sleep well again. I had thought it had gotten better once Tidus started taking my mind off of things, but now that I have this resolve, I don't want to lose it by keeping thoughts of you out of my mind. So when I have nothing else to do, I end up searching for you from morning until night. I don't want to bother you too late or early though, so in the twilight hours when everyone but me is asleep, I keep to myself in my room. I know I should take better care of myself, Kairi and Tidus tell me every time I see them, but I can't help it when all these thoughts keep me up at night.

I watch the people of our home walk past, wondering how many other stories there are like ours. Of course, nothing like hopping from world to world, fighting off blobs of darkness, but friends trying to find a way to stay that way after feeling the threads beginning to unravel. I wonder how many stories of unrequited love there are out there, and I wonder how many of those stories have happy endings, how many ends are in sorrow and heart break, and just how many never get a chance to play out. I'm not sure where ours falls, but I'll keep it to myself for now. For a long time actually, if I can help it.

A wave of exhaustion comes over me suddenly. It's welcomed. I want to sleep so I can waste some time, and maybe, just maybe (I wish with all of my heart), you'll be there when I wake up. It's unlikely, but I'm too tired to care anymore. I don't care that I'm in public, I don't care that I'm out in the open. The sun is shining and keeping me warm, I'm comfortable where I am, and my body is finally tired enough to let me sleep. It doesn't take long before I'm dead to the world for at least an hour or two.

When I wake up, I'm lying down in someone's lap. At first it's very comfortable. I imagine it's you, that you came, and you waited for me to wake up, that you'll be there when I open my eyes. I snuggle into your lap a little until I hear a few giggles. This is what brings me back, what reminds me that I fell asleep on a bench in the middle of the day. My eyes snap open as I spring up off the bench, expecting to have fallen onto some poor person's lap by accident.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, I—!" I stop when I see exactly who I had been lying on. Tidus (who is grinning deviously at me) has his hands up in mock surrender, but for what, I'm not sure. I just pout at him. "You could have woken me up."

"But then we wouldn't have gotten any of these adorable pictures of you sleeping!" a voice squeals from behind me. I turn quickly to see that Kairi and Selphie are there, each holding up their phones proudly displaying my sleeping face.

"Hey! No fair! Delete them!" I say, pouting more. I've tried glaring before, but that only ever works for you. I've found that pouts and puppy dog eyes work better for me, not that I'm happy or very proud of that fact. I do still have my pride as a man to think of.

"No way! They're too cute not to keep!" Selphie exclaims, hiding her phone from me when I make a swipe for it. Kairi laughs at my expense, but I find the humor in the situation too and laugh with her. It feels like a while since I've laughed with her. It's sad, but I just make a note to hang out with her more in the future. Kairi grabs onto Selphie, looping their arms, and throws me a grin.

"We only had time to stop for a few pictures, so Selphie and I shall be taking our leave now," she says, kissing Selphie on the cheek quickly, causing the other to giggle and flush. "See you later, and I'll tell you if I see Riku, 'kay?"

I nod and wave goodbye to them as they wander off into the crowd. I notice the orange and reds in the sky, and realize that I've been asleep for a long while now. I turn back to Tidus who's still sitting on the bench, and I rejoin him with a sigh.

"You really could've woken me up, you know," I say with defeat. He laughs.

"Sorry. I tried, but you were pretty much dead to the world," he tells me, and I suppose that's reasonable. I really did need some sleep. I feel a little more refreshed now that I've gotten some sleep.

"Fine, but you still didn't have to let them take pictures," I say with a frown. I'll find a way to get those pictures deleted later. Tidus shrugs.

"I didn't see the harm in letting them do it," he says, and then as an afterthought, "Maybe I should get them to post those pictures all over town. I'm sure some people would get a kick out of it."

"Traitor," I say, pushing him a little, my shoulder against his. He laughs and so do I. It's refreshing. It's a nice little reprieve from trying to find you. It always is when Tidus is around, I've found.

"You still looking for Riku?" he asks. I shake my head.

"Mm, not today. I feel too dead to do anything else," I say, flopping myself back down onto Tidus' lap. He chuckles and starts threading his fingers through my hair. It's comforting and soothing. It makes me want to fall back asleep to the repetitive movement, but I keep myself awake. I certainly don't want any more pictures taken today.

"Except sleep?" he asks.

"Except sleep," I confirm. "But I won't do that again until I go home and am safely in my room, away from crazy girls with camera phones."

He goes quiet, and I let the silence drift with the background noise of cars rumbling by and conversations going on around us that fading in and out. Tidus' other hand is resting on my stomach. I pick it up and start playing with his hand. He looks like he wants to say something, but he never opens his mouth. He just continues threading his fingers through my hair.

"So what's up?" I ask him finally. "And don't tell me "nothing." I've been doing my own thing these past few days, so I know you've been doing yours."

He doesn't protest, just stays quiet for a minute and then smiles.

"Doesn't look like your thing is working out very well," he says.

I frown.

"Neither does yours by the fact that you changed the subjects so quickly." It's a counter, and I can tell it hits home. "What happened?"

He shakes his head and frowns, and for a moment I think he really won't tell me what it is. I wouldn't have pushed him either. If he wants to talk to someone, he will, but he isn't obligated to do so. And then he opens his mouth and lets it out.

"Wakka showed up today."

I stop playing with his hand, immediately more concerned with examining my friend more closely for bruising. There have been a few incidents when Wakka has shown up since Tidus' confession where the confrontation only ends up in a fight. It never gets too out of hand, but they usually both end up with marks and some cuts to show the evidence. This time I don't see any visible. He notices my scrutiny.

"He didn't do anything to me this time, so quit worrying," he says, poking my nose. I scrunch it in response and stick out my tongue at him.

"So then what happened?" I ask, knowing that though the marks of their encounter may not be visible, not all marks left are physical.

Tidus shakes his head again. "Nothing."

I let his hand drop onto my chest with my own hands lying lazily on top of it. I frown, if only because it's the first time since his incident that Wakka has done _nothing_ to him. Tidus looks down and I know he can see that I'm waiting patiently for him to elaborate on exactly what happened.

"He just kind of showed up during practice. He didn't say anything; he didn't even look at me. He just said he was quitting the team and then left."

I can hear the hurt and damage that this action has done. I let him know my concern and that I'm here to comfort him by squeezing the forgotten hand on my chest. He smiles a little and I can see the strain past the grateful look. I want to wipe away, take it all away from him. It upsets me that my friend is hurting and I can't do anything about it.

All of the boys on Tidus' team know that he's gay now. It's possible that nearly everyone knows this fact by now, since Wakka had seen fit to make a spectacle of the fact. But nearly all of the team accepted the fact quite easily. Some were a bit uneasy about it, but there are always some like that. I imagine it can be hard for a friend to completely accept that someone is homosexual right away after believing that that person was straight until the moment of revelation. Still, people adjust and adapt. Wakka was one of the few still resistant to adjusting, or maybe it was the way the fact was revealed with a kiss and admission on Tidus' part that made it harder for him to accept. I don't really know.

"Do they blame you?" I ask, hoping not. I wouldn't want any more relationships with his friends to come to an end over something like that. It would just be unfair.

"They say they don't, but I imagine some of them do. I might too, if one of them were the cause of one of our best players leaving," he tells me. He looks like he's accepted this, but he still isn't very happy about it.

"They'll get over it. Wakka will come back eventually," I say. I am optimistic (mostly). What can I say? It helps when trying to deal with situations like these. He just shrugs.

"Maybe," is his response. There's no confidence in it, and I suppose he thinks it will never happen unless he eventually quits the team himself. I hope it isn't true. I want to believe for Tidus' sake that Wakka's discomfort and disgust don't run that deep. I want to believe that they will be able to make things right again because I'm not sure I could have the same optimism for my own situation if I didn't. Selfish, maybe, but it's true. I may be determined to fix this and talk it out with you, but that doesn't mean everything will be fixed by the end. I can only hope for the best.

Well this is a downer. The atmosphere has grown somber and quiet aside from the background noise around us. So I decide to get up and drag Tidus off somewhere with no destination in mind, only the need for distractions for both of us.

"H-hey now, where are we going?" he asks from behind me, startled. I don't let go of his hand, liking the weight of it in my own, and simply grin back at him as I usually do.

"No clue," I say and continue pulling him along. I'm watching the road ahead, but I can almost see Tidus' mouth turn up into a grin to match my own. I notice his hand grasp mine instead of hang there like a dead fish in my own.

…It's nice.

_~~~Land~~~_

I've gone back to successfully avoiding you.

It doesn't seem as effective before.

You've invaded my mind again and made a nice little nest for yourself there in a corner that won't seem to go away no matter how much I try to think of other things. And believe me. I've tried.

This is how Tidus finds me four days after I jumped out of my window to run from you. I'm sitting on the little island with the paopu tree once again. I hardly ever see anyone here anymore aside from a few kids who have discovered the treasures and forts we left when we were young. I hear footsteps along the wooden bridge connecting the tiny islet of land to the rest. I don't think anything of them, distracted by you as I am and assuming that it's just one of the kids come to see who's invaded their island.

The footsteps stop next to me, and who ever it is sits down about a foot from the tree I'm leaning against. I can feel a pair of eyes regard me for a minute, which I still don't give much thought, until the person speaks up.

"So is this where you run off to all the time?" he asks. It catches me by surprise that it's Tidus sitting there. I suppose I should have paid more attention, as it could have just as well been you sitting there and asking me that. I'm sure that if it were, you wouldn't be asking it in the same placid tone he is.

The surprise wears off and I find an answer.

"It's quiet here," I tell him. "Good for thinking."

"I can imagine," he says. He regards me quietly for a few moments. "Are you going to stop running from him soon?"

"…" I'm not sure what I should say to his question. It certainly comes as a surprise. The guilt I have in avoiding you flares up again and prevents me from giving a proper answer. Tidus just sighs. It sounds tired.

"It's hurting him you know?" he tells me with a straight face. I wince, knowing that it's my fault. "He's determined to get to the bottom of this. It would be so much easier on him if you just told him you hated him instead of just running away all the time like a scared little kid."

"I don't hate him," I say in alarm, wanting to correct the wrong.

It's so far from the truth.

"It certainly seems like you do." His brows are furrowed and I can see that his anger is rising.

"I don't." I say it firmly, leaving no room for doubt. I really don't hate you. I'm not trying to give you that impression either.

"Then stop running away from him! And if you can't do that, then just tell him you hate him and let him get on with his life," he says so seriously it makes me pause. I look down, away from him, shame building up.

"I don't hate him," I say, still trying to defend the misinterpreted feelings. "I'm just…not fit to be around him right now."

He stops. "…Why?"

"I'm just not. That's why I'm staying away from him. When I know I'm fine, when I get better, that's when I can be near him again."

Why am I explaining this? I should have just left it and walked away. Perhaps Tidus would have told you and you would have stopped looking for me. Then I wouldn't have to worry about you finding me anymore.

There's a silence as he thinks this over. The waves gentle pulsing and the leaves rustling in the afternoon sun are the only noises.

And then finally, "Don't tell me. Tell him."

It sounds so simple.

It's not so simple.

(Or maybe I'm just making it too hard.)

"I can't," I croak. I don't want to tell Tidus how I don't want to think about whether you're angry with me for this or not. I hear shifting in the sand and see him getting up. He looks down at me with sad and weary eyes set into a frustrated expression.

"You can. You have to. Otherwise you'll just keep on hurting him, and I don't want him clinging onto you with false hopes."

I can't say anything to that. It sucks. It hurts.

Tidus leaves, seeing that he has gotten his words across, and believe me, they have. I'm reluctant, but I hate hurting you. I want you to be happy. I want you to smile. I want you to forget about me. And maybe the best way to do that is to tell you to forget. Then maybe you won't hurt so much and I can try to move on in peace.

I stay in my spot by the paopu tree. I think about the legend I heard from Selphie years ago. I remember how I chucked one to you telling you to use it with Kairi. I think about how much I want to share one with you if possible. And I remember that I need to cleanse these thoughts from my mind by tomorrow so that I can tell you to forget me without any regrets.

_~~~Sky~~~_

I'm ready.

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

I keep telling myself this, but each time I think it, it becomes increasingly clear that I'm actually not.

I couldn't sleep last night, if only for the thoughts of whether or not all of this can end well. I'm still exhausted and I'm nervous. Even more so actually, because Tidus told me he found you on the island where we used to play. It's the first place I check in the morning right after he tells me. You aren't there when I arrive, so I decide to wait. I feel my nerves lighting up, and feel myself get more on edge as I wait. I'm anxious to get this over with now that I know I'll have an opportunity, now that I know where you've been going to.

It's well past noon when I give into my stomach and wander back to the mainland for food to quiet the rumbling demands. This is where I get caught up by Kairi and Selphie.

"Sora!" she says with excitement. I think that maybe she and Selphie want some more pictures like the other day, and I'm almost ready to bolt. But I see no cameras or phones and decide that my pride won't be hurt as much by surprise "cute" pictures than it would be if I ran away when they weren't even planning to take any at the time. So I stay and wait for them to tell me what exciting news has come up or what they want me to do for them. It turns out to be the former.

"Guess who we saw!" Selphie says with a mischievous smile.

"It's a certain someone you've been looking fooooor~!" Kairi sings. Their arms are linked together and have, for lack of a better discription, attached at the hip for the past few days. I'm not surprised that they're playing this game together with me. Lucky me, I know who they are talking about for once.

"You saw Riku? Where?" I ask, forgetting about lunch and all matters in food in favor of finding you. I wouldn't have been able to eat much anyway now that the nerves are back, transformed into butterflies in my stomach at the thought of finding and confronting you finally.

They grin at each other and then turn to me.

"He was walking along the boardwalk," Selphie tells me.

"He looked kind of out of it, so don't surprise him too much or he might run away!" Kairi warns jokingly, although I wouldn't be surprised if it were to happen. I launch myself at them for a hug, give them my thanks, and the run for the boardwalk.

I try to think of what I might say or how I might try to start this conversation with you. My mind draws a blank. Which is frustrating because even though I've decided to be spontaneous and just wing this whole thing, I still would like to know how to bring it up. Actually I would really just like to know how to catch you first and make you listen. That would be the best thing to know right now. Then all of that conversation stuff can get underway, and maybe, possibly, hopefully it will be easier. I doubt it.

The boardwalk comes into view, and though my stomach growls when delicious smells enter my nose, I ignore them. I slow my pace from a run to a fast walk, looking around as best I can. It's annoying being shorter than average guys, though I'm not that much shorter. Still it makes it harder to see through the crowds that tend to crop up along the boardwalk on a nice day like this. I wonder if you will want to talk here or somewhere with less people. I wouldn't care where as long as we could talk.

I come out on the other side of the boardwalk with no luck. There's no sight of you, no sign of silver hair in the crowds. I think that maybe I just missed you in a bout of obliviousness, which tends to happen at times even when I concentrate my hardest and actually try to stay focused. So I make my way back down the boardwalk looking over crowds, around booths and stalls selling various things, and asking a few people if they've seen anyone with silver hair. A few girls say that they saw someone with silver hair, but when I get to where they tell me they saw the person, I realize it isn't you.

I arrive at the beginning of the boardwalk with no more luck than my first run through.

_Damn it! Can't I just get this over with?_

It's frustrating and nerve wracking and I wish I could just _find_ you. I huff and sit down on a nearby bench, slumping.

Have you gotten wind that I might know where you are? Is that why it's so hard to find you? You know I'm looking, so you slip away even when I know where to look. You always were good at hiding and escaping, or maybe it was just that I've always been bad at finding you. Either way, I still don't know where you are. My nerves are all worked up and buzzing and making me anxious. My stomach growls again, loudly enough to warrant looks from a few people passing by. My cheeks go pink from embarrassment at the sound. Stupid stomach, demanding to be fed at an inconvenient time.

"Sounds like someone's hungry," a voice to my left says, sounding amused. I look up quickly, hoping it's you, but I'm disappointed with the sight of my blonde friend instead of you.

"Well jeez, don't look so excited to see me," Tidus says sarcastically. I hadn't realized my disappointment was showing on my face so I just grin sheepishly and apologize. He rolls his eyes and offers me a hand. "Come on, let's go get some lunch."

My stomach lets out another roar, attracting more stares from passersby and making Tidus laugh. I pout and he pokes my side.

"Come on," he says. "Let's get some food in your stomach before it starts eating some unfortunate people nearby."

"Fine but you buy 'cause you laughed at me," I pout, beginning to think the same thing as my stomach lets out yet another roar. I poke it in retaliation and it gurgles. Talkative little bastard today, wasn't it?

I hear Tidus laugh again, and soon I laugh with him. I don't know what I find funny about the situation, other than my obnoxiously loud stomach, but it feels good to do it. It lets out some of the stress and nerves that have bundled up inside in my anticipation of finding you. We arrive at a burger stall and Tidus orders a burger and a Coke. I poke him.

"Hey, I thought you were going to pay for me," I complain. He looks at me, completely serious.

"I never said I would, you just decided that on your own," he replies. I attempt to glare at him this time, but it develops into a pout complete with puppy dog eyes.

"Oh, please? I don't have any money on me right now," I say. He takes the bait too easily and gives in with a sigh.

"Fine," he says, changing his order to two burgers and two drinks. "That's a dirty trick."

I shrug. "I'll keep using it until it doesn't work anymore."

"Guess I better get used to that then," he replies with a tone of resignation and I just laugh.

I feel my nerves calming down now as I walk with Tidus, eating my lunch. It's calming and I welcome it. I don't know how I could have made it through this without him. He's really helped me a lot. Sometimes with advice and other times just with being there for the sake of being there, because sometimes that's all anyone really need. Eventually we find a bench facing the beach and we watch the families and couples and random people playing in the sand and salty waters. I'm hit with nostalgia of easier days and the want to have another day like the ones we used to have with everyone out on our island away from everyone else. But everyone's drifted a little, gotten into fights and become closer to other people.

It's strange.

It's sad.

It's life.

"Did you ever find Riku and talk it all out?" Tidus asks me at last. I've been waiting for this question since he showed up in the back of my head, but it still takes me a moment to answer.

"Not yet," I say with a sigh. I toss my trash into the garbage can next to the bench and slump down. "He wasn't on the island so I came back to get lunch. And then I saw Kairi and Selphie, and they told me that they saw him on the boardwalk, but I still couldn't find him! I mean really, has he suddenly learned how to disappear or teleport or something?"

Tidus laughs a little at that. "Don't worry, you'll find him. Trust me. And if you don't, I'm sure he'll find you soon."

_Wait, what?_

I pause and raise an eyebrow at him. "You sound so sure."

He rubs the back of his neck and smiles at me sheepishly. "Ah, well, you know how I told you I found him over at that little island we used to play on?"

I nod.

"Well, I actually ended up talking to him. I told him you were looking for him and he kept making excuses so I told him to man up and just talk to you! I mean, you're already going through all the trouble of trying to find him, he should know that he's making you worry by avoiding you all the time."

I slump even more. "So he really _is_ avoiding me." It's the only thing I get from that.

Tidus frowns. "Well, yeah. He admitted to that. I don't really understand why, but he said he has a reason. Not that there's really a reason that's good enough to explain why you would avoid your best friend when they've done nothing wrong."

This makes me worry. My stomach tightens and my nerves seem on end again. "Or maybe he thinks I've done something wrong. Maybe I really have done something wrong and I didn't know it? He's acted a little different ever since we got back, but I didn't think that it would change our relationship that much." It all comes out quickly, too quickly, and I have to take a deep breath when I finish. Tidus takes the pause as an opportunity to place a finger on my lips.

"Stop. You're just stressing yourself out. I don't know what his reason was, and you won't either until you two finally talk it out. But I'll tell you something good," he says. He takes his finger away and I bite back more worries behind clenched teeth. He leans in close and touches his forehead with mine, his eyes locking onto mine. "He didn't seem like he was mad with you about anything when I talked to him. I even asked him if he hated you and he said no like he really meant it."

You don't hate me?

"So don't get all worked up over nothing when you don't know the whole story. It'll be fine. Don't worry."

Simple, comforting words. They feel like gentle cold waves against the hot burning emotions that have gotten worked up inside of me. I really have to thank Tidus for everything. He's been the one to calm me down and help me through, even when I was trying to help him as well. He's doing better, but I know he's still hurting. I feel bad for letting my own problems overtake me when I should have been helping him too. He doesn't seem to mind though, and it just makes me want to do something to show him that I really do appreciate everything.

I'm so wrapped up in my thoughts that I don't realize just how close he's gotten from the few inches separating us before to now. My cheeks heat up as it hits me what he's trying to do right now.

I have to say, I probably should have expected this scenario. Of course, I'm wishing it were someone else (you), but it's happening all the same. I can feel his breath on my lips, the source so close, maybe only a hair's breadth away. Pulling away doesn't even seem to be an option. Even though he's not the one I want, I don't see the harm in letting him do this.

At least, not until I catch a flash of silver in the crowd.

I'm off of the bench in a heartbeat (which is pretty quick, considering my heart was pounding when I realized Tidus was about to kiss me) and I'm already running to where I think I saw the silver. I don't think about explaining my sudden departure to Tidus as I run away. I don't even look back. In the back of my mind, I figure that I can tell him later and push away all thoughts of possible consequence to my actions.

Crowds seem to part before me (though it may just be me pushing through them and people avoiding the crazy lunatic running by them). The flash of silver reappears in the form of the back of someone's head and I'm ecstatic. I get closer and closer, a grin spreading on my face already. The back looks familiar with every step nearer until I'm just close enough to you.

I've found you!

I've found you.

I hope to whatever god is out there that this is you.

I'm pretty sure, but not one hundred percent sure that this person is you and it's too late now to rethink anything because whoever they are, I've just jumped on their back and cried out your name. The person doesn't fall over, just stumbles a little from the extra weight attacking them from the back (me) and grunts. I refuse to let go. If it's you, I don't want to take the chance of you running away again.

And then the person turns their head to the side and I'm met with those aquamarine eyes I've missed so much. It's you.

_It's you._

"It's Riku," I whisper, slightly awed that I actually found you (and hadn't jumped on a completely random stranger). I hug you tighter. I can feel hotness behind my eyes, but I refuse to cry like I did the last time I found you. Instead I nuzzle my face into your shoulder and grin in triumph. "Gotcha!"

…

I hang on a few more seconds before I realize just how tense you are. I was so caught up in the happiness of finding you after so long that I forgot you had been purposely avoiding me. Immediately I scramble down from my position on your back, but I grab your sleeve just in case you try to run away. I'm aware you might not have wanted me to touch you, you have since we got back, but I will not let you just slip away.

"Uh, sorry. It's just been a while, so I got excited because I've been trying to find you all day and then I saw you over here and I was really hoping it was you and I couldn't help it that I ended up jumping you, so…sorry. Again." It all comes out in one breath, and faster than I intended, and I feel stupid for rambling. I couldn't help it though.

You just stare at me for a moment. You're eyes are kind of wide for a moment before they look down and away.

"It's…okay. I just…wasn't really ready for that," you say. You look tired, you look nervous, you look resigned. I wonder what you've been doing while you've been avoiding me, but I stop myself. Instead, you say the words I want to ask of you.

"We need to talk," you say, and somehow it doesn't sound like anything good will come of it. I take a step closer, and though you stay where you are, you don't look at me. Concern and a new wave of anxiousness washes in, but it all gets interrupted by surprise when you grab my arm yourself, breaking my hold on your sleeve, and start leading me somewhere.

I don't ask where we're going. I'm distracted.

I don't ask why.

I hate myself for it, but all I can focus on is the burning sensation where your hand wraps around my wrist. It's so hot it's almost unbearable, but it's comforting all the same. I know it shouldn't be happening with just a simple, innocent touch like this. You don't mean anything by it, and still I get like this.

I can't let this distract me though. I have to be clear headed. I've accepted that I can have nothing more than your friendship, and I'm determined to get that back right now. I finally have you in my grasp, in my sights, and now we're going to talk it out. I won't mess up this chance.

I don't take in any of my surroundings until we end up in the residential area of the town. My thoughts are nearly in order, and finally I get enough of my mind to ask where we are going.

"Somewhere we can talk in private," you replies.

_Well that's specific._

I can't help the snarky thought, but I keep my mouth shut tight until we arrive at your house. You walk in and lead me to the living room. I stop when you stop, and stare back as you stare at me. I don't know how to start, so I wait to see if you will. It's a tense silence, like nothing before. I want to break it. I want you to break it.

I want _something_ to break it.

The burning of my wrist continues as your hand stays where it is and it's becoming too much. I still don't want to pull away though. I'm too aware of it. My nerves are too focused on that one spot and it's like I don't want it to stop.

I can't stop it when you realize that you're still holding my wrist and pull your hand back quickly. It hurts. I say nothing. But it hurts.

"Sora."

I look up. You don't meet my eyes. You aren't looking at me again.

_Look at me. Please…_

"You need to forget about me."

And for that one moment, my heart stops.

* * *

**A/N: As always, thank you for reading and let me know your thoughts in a review!**


	6. Moment of Truth

**Title: **Touch Me

**Author: **Raining on my Parade

**Summary:** Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

**Disclaimer:** it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **And now for the resolution. Only the epilogue after this one, and then it's done! Oh my, that went fast (especially since I got this all finished before posting the new chapters)! You're all seriously wonderful for reading and reviewing and sticking with this. Thank you very much, I love you all!

**Guide:**

~~~_Sky~~~ _or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, **this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply**. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 6 : Moment of Truth**

_~~~Land~~~_

"_What?_" is the whisper I hear, so soft that I almost don't.

I clench my fists tight.

I can do this.

"Forget about me. You'll be better off if you don't chase me around. It's not going to bring anything good anyway," I say. I feel like it's such a strain to say these words, but somehow they manage to come out without a waver.

I can do this.

"Riku—"

"It's not like you've done anything wrong. I'm just not someone you should be chasing after." It's nonchalant, but not uncaring. I have to say this. I don't want you thinking this was your fault.

"Riku. I don't want to," you say strongly. I can hear the determination in your voice, the defiance, and I wish it weren't there. I wish you could just accept this and not make it harder for me than it already is. "I don't care what you say—"

"You don't have to care what I say. You shouldn't be caring about me at all."

I'm regretting having taken you to my house. What was I thinking? All I wanted was a quiet place we could talk. I didn't need to take you all the way _here_.

I can't look at you. I know I'll lose my nerve if I do.

"You can…go if you want," I start. I rub the back of my neck and keep my head turned to the side, away from you. Out of my peripheral I can see you just standing there, though I can't quite see your expression. "I'm sorry for dragging you all the way here; I just…needed to tell you that."

You don't say anything but you don't move either. It's over though. I've said what I needed to say, and now I'm just waiting for those words to sink in for you.

I did it.

I hope I did.

I don't know how much longer I can go without giving in.

But then the silence passes and you speak.

"Riku…I'm not just going to leave without an explanation." I clench my fists tight. "I was looking for you because I want to know why. _Why, _Riku. Not just that I have to forget you because you think it's "for my own good," but a real _reason _why you are doing this."

_Stop making this harder than it should be._

You sigh and then mimic my thoughts, "You're making it so much harder than this should be."

It makes me look up.

It makes me make eye contact with you.

It makes my heart stop.

You step closer and grab my arm, as if you're afraid I'll run away, like you did on the boardwalk. I'm tired of running away though, but it doesn't stop the instinct to want to try. I couldn't move if I tried though, even without you here to anchor me. Your statement has me pinned, and now your eyes, those beautiful deep blue eyes, are boring into mine refusing to let go as well. I don't want to see this.

"Riku. Please," you plead, determination still set in your expression. My heart clenches. I don't want to hear this. "Let's talk this out. We used to be able to tell each other anything. I don't understand what happened. I just want to understand."

"Sora…"

_I don't want to say this._

"Please?"

_I don't want you to know._

I give a mental sigh, and I feel everything I've been working for crumbling. You just look too sad, so serious, so confused and I can't help but want to fix it all. I suppose I should have expected this to happen, this beginning of a break down, when I went to seek you out after running from you all this time. I should have expected you to want more of an explanation, but I just wanted you to accept what I had to tell you and then leave. You don't work like that, though, and I've known you long enough to know that's true.

I tear my eyes away from your own in my last attempts to keep at least some things from you and make this sound like a believable reason.

"Sora. I'm not…healthy. I'm sick. I don't know when I'll be better, but as long as I'm around you it'll only get worse."

"You're…sick? Did you catch another cold? Are you taking care of yourself?" you interrupt quickly, eyes scrutinizing. I know what they're looking for and I know they won't find anything, physically at least. I've been taking care of myself, because I've already promised to do so to you and everyone else after they realized I wasn't. I really am sick though. Mentally so, and I want to get better. I take a step back as I see a hand, your hand, reaching out for me. I step back out of your grasp on my arm.

_Don't touch me._

_You'll be tainted._

"I'm just sick Sora. I can't be near you now, so it's better if you just forget about me for now and just go," I say. It's said with finality. I want this to be the end of it. Of course, you don't hear. You just glare at me stubbornly as your hand drops back to your side.

"No."

_What?_

"I'm not just going to go. I've already told you, I want to understand this," you say, frustration creeping into your voice. I can hear it, but I ignore it. "So you're sick. I want to help you get better. You can't just tell me that you're sick and expect me to just _forget about it!_ I _know _you have problems with letting us help you, but there are people that want to see you happy and healthy. We aren't just going to leave you to fend for yourself. I know I won't."

I don't even know what to say to this. I sigh and bring a hand up to pinch the bridge of my nose. Why do people have to care so much about people that don't deserve the kindness?

"Riku…" I hear you begin again quietly. I glance up and see you looking down at your feet. "We're friends. Best friends. I don't want that to stop because you think you're sick or anything else."

"You don't understand Sora," I say, because you really don't. And I need to make you understand. "I don't want to lose you. That's why you have to forget me and leave right now."

You look back up and meet my eyes with a hard look.

"No, I don't understand, that's why I'm here. You haven't given me one good reason why I should give up on you, and even if you did, you know I wouldn't. I wouldn't have looked for you all that time after you got locked behind The Door if I could give up on you that easily."

_It doesn't matter._

"It doesn't matter," I repeat aloud with a shake of my head. You just stare me down, obviously not willing to give in any time soon. I scowl, wishing that for once you could just listen to me without questioning or rebuking it.

"I don't want you to hate me, so please." The words come out strained. I don't want to have to tell you. I never want to tell you about these feelings. It's dirty, it's wrong. I don't deserve them or you.

Your eyes soften. You try to step closer to me, but I move back, keeping the distance between us. It's necessary space. You don't touch me, I don't touch you and nothing happens, hopefully. As long as the distance is maintained, we can keep this bond between us the same as it's always been.

"Riku, come on. I just want to help," you say. The frown you have makes your lips pout, and I keep glancing at them, hoping you won't notice. I need to get you out of here. Now, before I do something I know I'll regret. Something I know will ruin everything.

I move further away from you, keeping my hands at my sides painfully. "You can't help."

"Why not?" you demand. I can't give a proper explanation, so I say nothing more. I can't tell you how much I want to kiss you right now. I can't tell you how much I want to touch you. I can't tell you how much I want you…

You move quicker than I can anticipate while I'm trying to sort through my thoughts and put the bad ones away, and with an armchair suddenly right behind me, I can't move away. You're too close (so close). My body moves, reacts, on its own, going on the thoughts I've tried to make go away. My mind goes blank and the only thing that registers is that I've pulled you even closer and smashed my lips against yours. It's clumsy and nothing more than lips pressed against lips, but it says more than enough.

_No…_

I didn't want to do that.

I didn't want…!

But it's done. And maybe this will have destroy everything, but at least it will keep you from hurting over a friend you thought was just sick.

I throw myself away from you, having realized just what I've done and how stiff you've gotten since the first contact. I take in the sight of you in the aftermath. There's no expression except a dazed sort of confusion. Slowly, in the silence, your eyes settle on me with the weight of the question in them being thrown on me.

"That's why you can't help me," I say quietly, the only offer of explanation I make before I head for the door.

_~~~Sky~~~_

There's something said about letting myself out whenever I want before the nearly silent click of a door closing sounds. It's all far away. I'm still stuck in a minute ago when I had warm lips pressed unexpectedly to mine. I'm frozen where I am, not really able to believe what had just happened. It doesn't seem entirely possible. Maybe you tripped and that just happened by accident. But I remember hands on my arms, pulling me closer and holding me in place as you leant down and…kissed me.

You kissed me.

_You kissed me_.

The one thing I had believed would never happen just did, and it blows my mind for all of one minute before I realize that you've left, most likely for good. I look around and of course you're already gone. That last sentence before you left and the click of the door falling back into its place in the frame come back to me, and I scramble to get out of your house and look for you.

It's probably been a good ten minutes since, though I'm not quite sure because my sense of time was shattered by that little action of yours. In any case, I don't see you when I get outside. I've lost you again, but I'm more determined than ever to find you and keep you found. I won't let you escape this.

I won't let myself hope too much that maybe you have feelings for me too, but it's hard not to after that. What I want to know now is just why you did it and what it meant. And if it was nothing more than an impulse, then I want to let you know that it's okay and it won't change anything. If it means more, then…well, I'm not sure what I'll do then. But in any case, I'm still going to find you. I wanted to find you to fix whatever was wrong between us before, and I still want to do that. You should know by now, better than anyone, that I'm stubborn.

I run into town, heading for the boardwalk simply because that was where I found you last time. I see no silver and no trace of you, so I continue on and search the beach and other places you may go.

"_That's why you can't help me,"_ you said.

Maybe I can't, maybe I can. It would have been easier for me to decide if I could or couldn't if you would just tell me what was wrong. So maybe you like me (I'm hoping with all my might right now), but I don't understand why you think it's so wrong that you have to keep it to yourself, not that I've been very forthcoming with my own feelings. Besides, even if I didn't like you like I do, I still wouldn't mind. I don't judge others for their choices, especially you. I've known you all my life. Why would I give up a friend as good as you just because of that?

Still, maybe you're just confused and trying to figure everything out. I don't know. But I just want to help in any way I can.

It's nearly seven by the time I stop running around and I'm circling around the boardwalk once again.

_Where did you disappear to this time?_

I sigh and stop to rest on a bench, slumping with my head back so that I'm looking up at the reddening sky. The sun is setting over the horizon and I've yet to find you so I can make this right.

_Why won't you let me fix this?_

It's a simple question with no answer. It makes me sigh again as it crosses my thoughts.

It's now that I wish Tidus were here to give me some confidence. I've relied on him too much these past weeks. It's unfair to him, especially since…

Suddenly my cheeks heat up with what I know is a blush and I finally fully comprehend exactly what he was trying to do before I sprinted away after you. Oh god, I wonder what he must think of me now. I ran away when he tried to…kiss…me. Shit. That's the absolute worst thing I could have done to him. I mean, it wouldn't have been any better to tell him I didn't have those feelings for him after he kissed me, because I know I probably would have let him had I not seen that flash of silver and bolted after it. But still. At least I wouldn't have _run away_. Or well, looked like I was running away.

I wonder if I've unintentionally hurt him. I probably have. Which I hate myself for because he doesn't need any more pain after Wakka. The least I could do is to tell him why I ran off, even though it's not a very good excuse…

Actually, since I can't find you (because I've come to realize that when you don't want to be found, you really won't) I might as well find Tidus and straighten things out with him. This thought makes me stand up with renewed vigor and fills me with the determination to get at least one problem sorted out by the end of the night.

"Sora?"

It's a voice that sounds unsure and self conscious, and it's one that I haven't heard in a while. It's one I'm not sure how I feel about having called my name, especially now that I'm on my way to find Tidus.

I turn my head to the right and see Wakka standing a few feet away. He looks nervous and fidgety, and almost regretful in a way. It makes me start to feel nervous and fidgety too, if only because I'm not quite sure how I feel about talking to him. We used to be good friends. We still are in my mind. But then there's the Wakka that punched Tidus for kissing him, and I worry that maybe he'll try to do the same to me, that maybe he'll hate me if he finds out that I like you the same way Tidus liked him. I don't know if he knows this or not, so I opt not to say anything right away other than a casual, "Hey."

He says "Hey" back, sounding just as unsure about this conversation as me.

We shift awkwardly before I figure he isn't going to say anything else to me. I need to find Tidus anyway, since I can't find you and it's starting to get late.

"Wait, Sora—!" he calls out, looking like he wants to reach for me, but keeps his hands firmly be his sides. He looks like he's having trouble with whatever he wants to talk about, but it's obvious he wants to talk about it. So I stop and walk over to him so that he won't have to shout for me to hear him.

"What do you wanna talk about?" I ask him, no judgment in my voice. I don't want to scare him off when he knows I've been hanging out with Tidus. We haven't really had a conversation since before I started hanging out with Tidus. Now I'm hoping that maybe he wants to talk about Tidus, and that maybe he wants to understand, just like I want to with you. I know there aren't many that are against gay couples that want to understand and adapt, but I'm hoping that Wakka is an exception. I want Tidus to get his best friend back, even if he doesn't get him in the way he wants.

"I don't really…know how to start…"

Wakka can't look me in the eye. Even though he's looking up, he keeps his gaze somewhere past my shoulder or over my head. It's fine. He rubs his neck and looks up.

"I just…I don't—"

He stops himself and tries to start over with a frustrated sigh. He sits down heavily on the bench I was previously occupying with his head hanging down. I wait patiently, and soon he looks up at me with a tired expression. Everyone seems so tired lately.

"…How do you do it?" he asks finally. I tilt my head to the side, confused by the question.

"Do what?" I ask warily.

"Accept it…him, this…whatever it is," he replies, waving his hand. He's talking about Tidus.

I shrug. "I just do. It's not like he chose to be this way and it doesn't change his personality or anything so I don't see any problem with it." I pause. "Why can't you?"

It isn't an accusation. It's just a question of curiosity.

"I just…it's weird," he says with a shake of his head. "He didn't seem like the kind of guy...and now—I don't know. It's just not normal for a guy to like another guy, ya?"

"So it isn't normal for someone to love someone else?" I ask.

"No, it's just—"

"Not normal for a guy to like a guy, right?" I finish for him. He just stares at me with a small from on his face, eyebrows furrowed and eyes looking to me for an answer. I smile because he looks so confused and in need of reassurance. I see this as a chance to right things between him and Tidus. If I can get him to understand, then maybe things will get better between the two.

"But you can't help who you fall in love with, right? Because it just happens, and it's about whether or not you can accept that love and if you love that person back. Who cares what gender it is as long as you love them."

He takes it in and sits in silence for a while. I let him think it through. I'm waiting for him to accept the words I've said, but I don't know if he actually will. I hope so. But I see him shake his head and the confusion still hasn't left his face as he stands up.

"So love is supposed to just fix everything?" he asks a little bitterly.

"I'm not saying it will. But it helps," I reply. He frowns and I shrug. "If you end up getting past the idea of two guys together being gross, you should go make up with Tidus. Or you could at least make an effort to accept him. Even if you don't return his feelings, he still misses his best friend."

I feel like I'm talking about myself.

Wakka doesn't say much to that. He just nods slowly, says a quiet thank you, and leaves. I'm not sure what he'll do now, but I hope I've helped. I pause and remember something. Maybe Wakka has seen you.

"Wakka!" I call out, stopping him on his way to wherever. He pauses and turns his head to me. "Have you seen Riku?" I ask.

He thinks, crossing his arms as he turns halfway back to me.

"Go try the little island, ya? I think him paddling over there earlier," he calls back to me. I grin. I haven't checked there yet (and wonder why I didn't when Tidus even told me earlier that's where he's been going). Now I know where you might be, and I just hope that you'll still be there.

"Thanks! Good luck with everything," I say.

"No problem," is his reply that I barely hear as I run for the docks where we leave our little boats. Time to go see if I can finally make you realize that you can't run away from me for long.

When I find you, you're just laying on the beach of the island. I'm not sure if you noticed me coming or not, but as I climb onto the makeshift dock of the island as quietly as I can, I realize you haven't. So I make my way to you as silently as I can. The only noises are the leaves of the palm trees, the lapping of the waves and the occasional call of a bird. Your eyes are closed as I approach, so I go around you to make sure you don't notice a shadow from the setting sun passing over you. You don't open your eyes. You barely twitch, and for a moment I think you're asleep. But then you groan and cover your eyes with both your hands, pressing with the heels, and I think maybe you aren't.

So I sit on your stomach quickly before you can open your eyes, before you can see me, and before you can even think about running away.

You grunt at the new weight on your stomach and your hands fly away from your face to reveal wide, surprised eyes. Impulse moves me and I lean forward, arms folding against your chest, trying to repeat what happened in your house, only now it would be me kissing you. You catch me before our lips me and I frown in disappointment as you push me away.

It hurts, but I don't let it deter me.

"W-what the hell, Sora?" you ask, seeming more surprised by the second.

"That would be me trying to kiss you," I tell you, as if you hadn't realized. You scowl and sit up, pushing me back further so that now I'm just sitting in your lap. I let it happen, comfortable sitting on your thighs if you'll allow me to stay close to you. I haven't been this close to you in a while.

"Don't mess with me Sora, you don't have to try to do something like that. Just leave me alone for a while and it'll go away soon enough," you say quietly, seriously. I sigh and push the arms holding me back away so that I can hug you instead since you won't let me kiss you. My head buries into your shoulder and I take in your scent, which is salty like the sea. You go stiff but I just hug you tighter, not wanting or willing to let you go this time. I've got you right where I want you.

"Riku," I say, voice muffled by your shirt, "you're amazingly stupid sometimes."

There's a pause while the comment sinks in, and then I feel a light bop on my head. I can imagine the scowl you're wearing now.

"Says one idiot to another," you reply.

It's hesitant, but I feel your arms finally encircle me too, as if you're not sure if you're allowed to do so. I give you a squeeze to reassure you that yes, it's alright.

"Yes, well, this idiot would like to know something," I say.

"And that would be?" you ask reluctantly. I find it amazing that we can still talk like this after all the running away we've done. But now it's the moment of truth. I bury my head in further, turning my head to the side so that my lips are brushing against the side of your milky white neck. It's smooth and long, and it makes me want to kiss it, but I hold back to ask my question.

"Sora…" you begin, warning in your voice. I ignore it and cut off whatever you were going to say in protest.

"How do you feel about this idiot?" I ask, letting my lips move against the skin of your neck just barely. I feel the shiver dance down your spine and it makes me smile that I was the one to make that happen.

_Moment of truth._

You stiffen and your hands clench on my back, but they don't move from where they are. I figure this is positive as I wait for you to answer, which doesn't take very long.

"I shouldn't…feel this way. I'm sorry," you apologize. "This is wrong."

"Why? Because I'm a guy too?" I ask, wondering if I'll have to tell Riku what I just told Wakka. "I don't mind, you know." I squeeze you again for reassurance that this doesn't bother me in the least and turn my head back into your shoulder. You lean your forehead against my shoulder hesitantly like you did returning my embrace.

"It's—I don't deserve to feel this way," you whisper. Your breath is warm through the thin cloth of my shirt. "You don't deserve someone messed up like me."

I start tracing circles on your back and I feel that shiver run through your body once again.

"Who cares if you're messed up? You're still Riku."

Your hands clench again, this time around the fabric of my shirt as your forehead presses into my shoulder. "You don't get it Sora—!" It's a desperate whisper that could turn into a shout.

"Then help me understand," I cut in calmly, still tracing circles.

Silence. And then—

"I'm afraid," you say, never letting go of my shirt.

"Of what?" I probe, because you're finally letting it out. You may finally tell me what's been bothering you so much, what's made you act this way.

You take a shuddering breath.

In, out.

"Of tainting you."

I blink and wait for you to continue in your own time.

"I'm covered in so much filth, so much darkness. I shouldn't be touching you or anyone because I'm still afraid that the darkness that's left in me will take over again, but I can't help it. Even though I know I don't deserve this after everything I've done, I still—"

"Still what?"

You swallow hard.

"…Want you."

My breath catches because you've said it. My ears burn because you meant it. I swallow the lump that's suddenly formed in my own throat and take a breath.

"Riku," I start. "It's okay you know. You aren't dirty and I know you would never purposefully let the darkness take you over again. You're strong, so even if it did, I know you could come back from it."

You shake your head.

"You know it's the truth, Riku. I really admire your strength."

You just shake your head again.

I swallow again.

_Moment of truth._

"Riku…do you like me?"

Hands clench tighter.

"…Yes."

"Do you love me?"

"Sora…"

The warning is in your voice again, but I want to know. I ask again.

"Do you love me?"

I wait a minute that feels like a year. You unclench your hands and let your arms fall to your sides as if you're getting ready to let me bolt.

"…Yes."

I take a deep breath.

_Moment of truth._

"Good," I say as I pull back enough so that I can kiss you before you try to stop me again. You freeze, but I just press harder, trying to coax a reaction out of you. And then you respond, slowly and a bit clumsy just like me because first kisses with someone new are always a bit like that, but it feels a million times better than the last time. Lips slide against lips, innocent and nothing deeper than that for now. It's heady and just what I've been wanting for oh so long. I feel like this couldn't possibly be happening, but I know it is because when I pull back, you're there, eyes closed and a slightly awed expression on your face. I expect you to want to bolt as soon as you regain hold of your thoughts, but I don't want you to leave without hearing this. I raise my hands to cradle you face in them and lean my forehead against yours.

"Riku…" I breathe. Your eyes snap open, knocking you from whatever thoughts may have been going through your mind. I smile, reassuring that yes I wanted this.

"I love you too."

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**A/N:** Thank you for reading and all your reviews! I love you all! Remember kids, the rating on this story will be bumped up whn I upload the next chapter because there's a slight lemon at the end. Nothing too heavy though. But anyway, let me know your thoughts and click the pretty review button please!


	7. Epilogue

**Title: **Touch Me

**Author: **Raining on my Parade

**Summary:** Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

**Disclaimer:** it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **And this is the last chapter! So sad, I know. This story has been completely written for a while now, but it's officially done now that I've posted this. I almost didn't want to post it, but I know all the people who have taken the time to review these past chatpers would somehow find me and bite my head off. So the fear of that and my love of you all reading this is the reason this is up now.

Anywhos, just a reminder that there is a light lemon at the end of this, hence why the rating has gone up. It isn't anything too heavy considering it's my first time writing anything of the sort and the fact that Sora and Riku humping like bunnies in heat in this kind of story just wouldn't seem right. So please treat this kindly and let me know your thoughts at the end. Also something to mention in your comments, I've been thinking of possibly doing a sequel or companion story to this that either focuses more on the Tidus/Wakka or (hinted at in this story) the Kairi/Selphie relationships, or maybe even something with how Sora and Riku are doing after all this. I don't know. If you have a suggestion feel free to tell me!

And now at last (and for the last time for this story) thank you everyone so much for your support reading and reviewing this fic. You're all wonderful and I just want to hug you all for your lovely comments and seeing this through all the cliffhangers and heart stops to the end. Hopefully I will see you all again one day if I decide to make yet another Kingdom Hearts story (or sequel). I will miss you all! -Mwah!-

**Guide:**

~~~_Sky~~~ _or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, **this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply**. And that's about it. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 7 : Epilogue**

_~~~Sky~~~_

I stand on the front porch of a small, well-kept wooden house. It's one I've been to several times, especially in the past few weeks, but this time there's a feeling of dread in my stomach. The door is a faded lime green color, something I hadn't taken much notice of before. I raise my hand to the door and pause.

Well, it's now or never.

_Knock, knock._

This is long over due. I really should have done this earlier, but I got distracted with things. I know it's not really much of an excuse, even though it's well known that I don't have the world's best attention span or memory, but still. Tidus didn't deserve me running away when he was about to…

The door opens and there stands Wakka. I blink, surprised (pleasantly) and a little confused, dread and nervousness forgotten momentarily.

"Oh. Um…hey. Is Tidus there?" I ask. He rubs the back of his neck and cracks a half smile.

"Uh ya, he's here. He's up in his room looking for a game," he replies.

"Oh. Cool," I say, awkwardly. I guess what I said helped, considering he's here. I shift a little, not quite sure what to do with myself in this situation. "So did you make up with Tidus then?"

Now he shifts, looking up and rubbing his neck again.

"Uh...Ya. I thought-well, I thought I should try, ya know? It's…not that bad, once you get past…that," he says awkwardly back. It's not the most eloquent way of putting it, but at least he's trying. I'm happy for Tidus.

"Ah, do you need to talk to him or something…?" he asks, waving to the inside of the house.

"Oh, yeah. I'll just…go up then," I say, remembering just what I came here for. He moves aside and I squeeze in past him. I pause and give him a smile, patting his shoulder as an after thought. "Good job trying to working through this."

He chuckles nervously. "I'm trying."

I nod, pat his shoulder once more, and then head for Tidus' room.

I'm not looking forward to this. I feel the guilt gnawing at my stomach as I pause at his open door to see him rummaging beneath his bed. For a moment I wish you were with me, but I'm aware that even if you were, you couldn't help me with this. So I gather my courage, step into his room, and knock on the door frame.

"Hey," I say sheepishly as I enter with a little trepidation. "Sorry for barging in. Um, Wakka let me in." He retracts his arm from beneath his bed, game in hand, and turns to me with a little surprise on his face before it falls into an easy smile I hadn't quite expected.

"Hey Sora. It's fine. I was just getting a game for Wakka and me to play. You wanna join?" he asks. I wonder momentarily if he forgot that I ran off on him, but I doubt it. Even if he did, I still need to apologize anyway no matter how awkward it's gonna be bringing it up.

"Nah, I just wanted to talk to you about a few days ago," I say, returning his smile.

"Oh! Did you work things out with Riku finally? I heard he ran off on you again. Wakka said you were looking for him later that night too."

I blink.

" Oh…well, yeah I guess. He isn't avoiding me anymore at least, so that's a step," I tell him.

_Not to mention we've kissed a lot._

I try to keep the blush from crawling up my neck at that thought. I'm still not quite used to the reality of that. Tidus just grins at me though.

"That's great. Did you ever find out what was wrong?" he asks, curious. I wonder if I should tell him, and then decide nothing in detail but general terms would be fine.

"It's kind of like…self-esteem issues? Or like he didn't trust himself around me, I guess," I say. Tidus hums and nods. He then rocks up into a standing position and wipes off some dust and dirt that got on him while he was laying on the floor, searching under his bed.

"So then does that have anything to do with…you know…?" he asks discreetly, obviously aware that even though Wakka is right downstairs and willing to try accepting Tidus, he may not be ready to accidentally hear of my preferences as well.

"Well…" I start, stepping closer to him so I can talk a little more quietly. "It's not so much how I felt as how he felt, really. He had no idea that I liked him, so that was part of the reason I guess."

I see Tidus' eyes widen before his mouth splits into a wide grin and he punches my arm playfully. "Good for you! So then he feels the same?"

I can't help but grin along as I nod my head rapidly. I feel like a school girl, giddy and gushing over her crush, so I take a breath hoping to let out the spastic, ADD butterflies this conversation has stirred up in my belly.

But I'm forgetting. I've been distracted from what I came here for.

"Wait," I say, trying to stop him from distracting me further with whatever he is about to say next. His mouth is even opened, ready to say his next syllable, but it closes quickly enough to hear what I have to say. "That wasn't what I came here to tell you."

He cocks his head to the side, much like I do when confused or waiting for an answer. It's a silent question asking you to go on with whatever you are saying.

"I wanted to apologize for running off like that," I say quickly, hoping this doesn't ruin his mood. He seems lost for a second, and then recognition lights on his face.

"Oh that. It's okay. I know you were trying to trying to hunt down Riku; you don't need to check with me if it's okay to jump him after he's been running away all the time," Tidus says very matter-of-factly. It stuns me a little.

"But you were just—"

He cuts me off before I can say it, shaking his head. "I know. But it doesn't matter. I was getting ahead of myself. I just wanted someone to share the loneliness with, and I thought you might feel the same, so I went for it."

He shrugs.

"It was a bad idea, so you can just forget about it if it bothers you. Besides, you have Riku now so I shouldn't be trying to whisk you away from him," he says, winking at that last part and nudging my side with his elbow.

I scan him for a moment. He seems okay, but I'm not sure. I still feel like I've hurt him and it makes me feel guilty. He sees this though, and he claps one of my shoulders with a sigh. He looks me straight in the eyes, no wavering.

"Look, it was an impulsive decision, so it doesn't really matter. Besides, I've just gotten my best friend back and I'm a little more preoccupied with making things work with him before anything else, okay?" he says in all seriousness. And I believe him. There may have been a little hurt involved, but I can see that he's also happy and relieved to have Wakka talking civilly to him again. Once again I'm happy for Tidus and for the fact that I could help push Wakka in the right direction, that I may actually have been helpful to Tidus at last.

"Okay," I reply, consenting finally. He nods, patting my shoulder like I did to Wakka earlier.

"Now," he says, steering me out of his room, "have you changed your mind about wanting to play video games with us? It'll probably make Wakka feel better if someone else were here too."

I smile, allowing myself to be led.

"I guess I could, but I shouldn't stay too long unless Riku decides that not speaking to me is a good idea again," I reply. Tidus just nods sagely, and then his face lights up again in a smile.

"Why don't you go bring him over here then? The more the merrier," he suggests, eager to help. I think for a moment of whether or not you would be willing to do this, and then I think that even if you aren't, I'll just _convince_ you with a kiss or two. I've found that it's effective in getting you to agree with me over these past three days, even if you still aren't completely comfortable with it yet. But whenever I can manage to surprise you with a kiss, I can see how you melt just that little bit in the same way I do when I realize you'll let me do that to you.

"Sure, why not?"

_~~~Land~~~_

It's dark and quiet in the night.

Bugs buzz about outside and the streetlamps glow orange in the darkness, providing just enough light to see by. The wind is weak, barely a breeze to push through the muggy heat of a summer night. There are clouds covering the stars tonight, trapping the heat of a hot island's day between the earth and the sky. It'll probably rain tomorrow.

No lights are on in the house. It's the dead of night, so it's to be expected. There's no one here except me and you. My mother has gone away to visit a brother that's sick for the weekend. It's only Friday night.

And you're lying in my bed, beside me, close enough to touch. No, we _are_ touching. You're curled up, head tucked beneath my chin, one arm folded between us while the other is thrown around my waist as if you're holding me in place. Our legs are tangled, and I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's new and not unpleasant, but it worries me. I want this too badly. It can't—shouldn't—be true. It's only been a week and a half and I'm still not sure. So I restrain myself as much as I can and only do what I know you want. I don't deserve this, so it's only fair that I don't hurt you because of this. I won't take the risk.

You shift slightly, and though I thought you were asleep (it's nearly 3 in the morning now), you speak quietly, mumbling a weak and sleepy, "Riku…?"

I freeze, but you nuzzle your head into my chest. So I force myself to relax, because I don't need you worrying about my comfort.

"Are you awake…?" you whisper, slurring the words a little. A hand moves up to rub a tired eye.

"Yeah," I whisper back. I resist the urge to kiss the top of your head or smack my forehead for not pretending to be asleep, and instead stare across my room at the shadows playing on the wall. I feel the tickle of hair underneath my chin as your head moves and then soft lips against the hollow of my neck. It makes me freeze again.

"Why?" you ask, sleep still lining your voice. I swallow and shift a little, still tense from the movement of lips against my skin as you speak.

"Couldn't sleep," I reply truthfully. The puffs of warm breath on my collar bone do nothing to help me relax this time. And then you hum and start drawing shapes on my chest with a fingertip. It's light, barely a touch, but the sensation is soothing. I'm still not relaxed, but it makes me feel less tense.

I'm still unsure about all this contact. But when you initiate it, I start to think that maybe it's okay. I just don't know where to draw the line for myself.

"Why?" you ask again.

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"Things."

You fall silent, and I offer nothing else. You continue tracing your finger across my chest. Tentatively I begin doing the same on your shoulders. I hope that you won't ask what kinds of things I've been thinking about.

"You know, Tidus and Wakka have been getting along better lately," you say casually. I pause my ministrations on your back for a moment. It's true, I've noticed it from the times I've seen the two of them. I'm still not sure what had happened between them, though you've hinted at it, but I guess I'm glad for them. It's never nice to hear of friends fighting with each other.

"That's good," I reply for lack of anything better to say. And then we fall back into silence. It's almost comfortable, the atmosphere that settles in around us. I let it take me in, wanting to stop worrying for a moment enough to just enjoy this closeness, the feel of your breath on my skin and your finger tips brushing along in mindless patterns, the tickle of your hair on my chin.

But then I feel lips on my neck again. They're slow and fleeting, but they move upward toward my chin, my face, my lips. It makes me take shuddering breaths. It makes desire rise up in my stomach. I pull back before your lips can connect with mine though. I need to stop this before it goes further. I won't let myself hurt you.

And then I see your eyes and that glimmer of hurt for my action.

_Damn it._

I close my eyes, not wanting to see this. I've gone tense again. It's best to stop this here. We've kissed, but I can't guarantee that I'll be able to hold myself back if it goes on much longer. I won't let myself hurt you. So I'm stopping this here.

"What's that for?" you ask, sounding nonchalant, unaffected even though I saw it.

"It's nothing," I say. I open my eyes again, by I avoid your own. I don't want to see it again, that little hurt, because I'm trying to protect you from getting even more hurt. "You should—go back to sleep..."

"I don't want to, I'm not tired," is the petulant reply right before a yawn stretches from your mouth. It makes me smile. Sometimes you're just stubborn. And though the pout that appears next makes me want to kiss you senseless, I settle for a kiss to your forehead to show you I'm not pulling back all the way and moving some hair that's fallen into your face.

"Yes you are. It's 3:30 in the morning, so just go back to sleep. It's okay," I say softly. You pout just a little more before a resigned expression appears and you sigh.

"Fine," you grumble and settle back into the bed. The silence comes again, but I'm fine with it. I'm pretty sure I won't get to sleep for another hour at least, so I content myself with watching you and trying to push back the insecurities that make me want to leave. It only lasts a total of six minutes.

"Riku…?" I hear you ask again quietly, tentatively. I hum to let you know I've heard and that I'm listening. You shift so that you're looking at me, and though I try not to, I get caught in your cerulean eyes. They're soulful and full of meaning, feelings, even if I can't tell what some of them are.

"I love you," you tell me seriously. And though I've heard you say it many times, either as reassurance or just a declaration, I'm still not used to this either. I don't understand what you see in me. But—

"…I love you too," I whisper back after only a moment.

"Good," you say. And then you stretch up and take my lips too quickly for me to move away again. And so I melt even as I want to stop this from going too far, because your lips are just too sweet to ignore for long, especially when they move against mine in such a wonderful way.

I get caught up, swept away. When you lick my lips, I open them, tentative to this since we've only done it once in a while. And then your tongue slips into my mouth, rubbing against teeth and gums and tongue, and I groan because I love this. But then the muscle retreats and instinctively mine goes to follow, which is new for us, but not unwelcome by you since you haven't pushed me away yet. My tongue explores, trying to do the same as yours has done to me, tracing teeth, gums, and tongue. And then I hear you moan back and I know I'm doing something right. But the noise goes right to my groin, heating passions better left cool. I need to stop this. Now.

So I put my hands on your shoulders and gently push you back so that our lips aren't connected and I can regain an intelligent thought other than what a wonderful mouth you have. I look up at you because as we were kissing, you managed to have me lay on my back while you climbed halfway over me. You frown and try to lean down to kiss me again but I keep you at a distance. It's for your own good, even though you're groaning, this time from frustration. You pout.

"Rikuu~" you say in an adorable voice. And I think that maybe you'll leave it at that because you normally do. Whenever I stop, you say my name with frustration, pout, and then leave it be and go on with whatever you had been doing before it started.

But you keep speaking. "You always do this. Why?"

This time you want an answer, but I'm not sure what to tell you. All I know is that this has to stop or I'll hurt you. I shake my head a little.

"It's nothing. It's late. You should just go back to sleep like you were going to before," I say. You frown and move so that you're sitting beside me.

"No."

It's a simple refusal and one I realize won't give in any time soon like the one before. I sigh.

"Why?" I ask.

"That's what I want to know," you reply.

And a silence stretches because I don't want to answer truthfully.

You sigh in exasperation and then suddenly you're on top of me, slim tanned legs straddling my hips, your hands pinning my wrists beside my head. I know that I could push you off if I wanted, but I'm ashamed to say that I like this position a little too much. And then your mouth is on mine again, your tongue stealing into my mouth and melting me again. It's hot and heady and passionate. It's nothing like the slow exploration of before. My mind goes fuzzy again and I can't think straight. It feels too good, especially with your body draped over mine like this.

One hand of yours slips around the back of my neck, letting go of my obviously unresisting arms, threading thin fingers into my hairline while the other hand roams my chest and side. My own hands have minds of their own, free of restriction now, moving through soft spiked hair and up and down your back, roaming closer and closer to your hips and someplace lower.

It's hot. Too hot. Especially with the noises you're making and the ones I know I must be making too. I want you closer. So much closer. So I pull you closer. But it's not enough. I want skin on skin and there are clothes in the way. So the hand roaming your back finds the hem of your nightshirt and slides beneath it, feeling soft skin and the muscles rippling beneath it. There's a moan and a shiver from you which causes a moan and a shiver in me, and I just want more.

"Nnn…Riku…" you breath out between kisses, and I breathe back your name as well, so lost in this that I can't remember why I would have tried to stop this before. It's hot. Too hot.

The next time I manage to pull back, we're both panting and now I'm above you. Somehow I managed to turn you over in the middle of it all. Your shirt is pulled up to your neck, exposing tanned stomach and chest. Your face is flushed and dazed.

And even though the view is spectacular and you're right beneath me, the time I've taken to regain my breath has also become time to clear my mind of heady thoughts of you. I remember why I was trying to stop this so I stop where I am, not sure what to do now. You look up at me expectantly, expectant of what, I don't know. I just know—

"I can't," I say, even though I don't move from my place above you.

"Yes you can," you reply, simply and confidently. You don't move either. You just look up with the same soft eyes I've seen settle on me many times ever since this started.

"I can't," I repeat, trying to stay strong, because this is for your own good. You don't know how much I want.

"Why? I won't stop you. I want this," you say. "I want you."

The confession makes me tremble. It weakens my resolve, and I know you can see it crumble. Still I try to hold on to it, grasping at straws.

"What are you so afraid of?" you ask quietly.

I don't want to say. I clench my eyes shut so hard that it hurts. I restrain myself, shaking. I'm afraid. You ask me again, your voice so soft and warm and comforting I can't help wanting to give into it.

"I'm going to hurt you," I say quietly at last, releasing all of my inner turmoil in those five words. It doesn't go away though. It just settles there between us like thick smog. I want it to go away. I want to be able to cleanse this air between us, but I'm always the one who dirties it. I know.

I hear sheets rustle and your tiny hands cup my face. One slides back, threading through my hair gently and working out tiny knots, while the other remains on my cheek, thumb stroking in a soothing manner. My clenched eyes and my tense body relax until my eyes are simply closed and I'm leaning into your hands. I can feel your gaze tracing over my face, and I wonder again what I've done to even have you this close to me, to have you touching me in such a gentle manner. I wonder what I could have possibly done to deserve such a beautiful person like you in my life.

"Riku…" you breathe softly. I open my eyes and look down into the cerulean eyes I adore, drowning in them. You hold my gaze and search a little longer before you speak again.

"You won't hurt me. You've put so much effort into trying _not_ to hurt me that I doubt you ever could," you say with so much confidence. I'm floored. Of course I would never hurt you! I would never want…I could never think to…but…

"But that doesn't mean I haven't hurt you before. I don't want that to happen again Sora," I reply. I close my eyes in shame, unable to meet your steady gaze any longer.

"Riku…" you breathe again. I give no response, keeping my eyes closed.

"Riku," you say a little stronger. Again I give no reaction.

"Rikuu~ stop being such a jackass and answer me," you whine. At last I open my eyes, bewildered by your comment, and see you pouting. When you notice I'm looking at you again, you just grin the way you always do. I blink. It's blindingly perfect.

"What?" I ask when I see you won't say anything more now that you know you have my attention. Your grin softens into a small, trusting smile.

"You won't hurt me," you say again, just as confidently as before, and I still can't see where you're getting this confidence from. "I trust you Riku. Enough to know that you won't hurt me."

"But—" I try to protest.

"And even when you do, I love you enough to see that you didn't mean it and forgive you for it," you tell me. "It's impossible for people not to hurt each other, even if they're lovers. The most we can do is forgive and trust in each other enough to know that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes."

I'm still unsure, but I take the words to heart. You trust me, but I could still hurt you.

"Please Riku. I want this just as much as I know you do," you say, pulling me down into another kiss. I let you pull me down and lips connect once again. It's slowed down from the frustrated passion of before again. It's more reassurance from you that you want this, and though I'm still a little hesitant, I finally relax completely into you. I won't let go of all of my restraint, but I'll go as far as you will let me.

The kiss becomes deeper, hotter, more passionate, but the speed doesn't pick up too much. We are slow in removing clothing mostly in embarrassment and hesitation in if we are really going to do this now. But you tell me again that you want this, and I won't deny that I want it too.

There are moans as bare skin comes into contact, only shirts off at this point because the only thing on our lower halves are boxers and neither of us are quiet ready for that this second. We take the time to explore each other's chests, me with my mouth, trying to find your sweet spots as your hands trail across mine, making me shiver in delight. I come to the dark spots on your chest and lick at a nub. You gasp, so I do it again before sucking on it softly, rolling it between tongue and teeth. You pant and moan, and I take it as a sign that I'm doing something right. Eventually I move to the other one to give it the same treatment. Meanwhile, all the noises you make and the way you whisper my name into the silence of the night go straight to my groin, heat beginning to pool into the pit of my stomach and lower areas, a coil beginning to wind tighter.

I want you.

I want you so much.

I shift to kiss back up your neck, but I end up brushing my hips against yours, creating a delicious friction that draws a moan from both of us. I stop for a second, feeling your hardness near mine, and I realize that you really want this too. I glance at your face, which is flushed all over again, and hazy eyes look back up at me. You roll your hips experimentally, unexpectedly, and we both moan again at the new contact. Even with the brush of fabric between us, it still feels wonderful. But I want to be closer. I always want to be closer.

I lean down and kiss you lightly, quickly before you decide to move your hips again because I want to ask for your permission. I want to know if you'll be okay with being completely bare before me, if you'll be okay with someone like me being completely bare before you. One hand cradles your cheek while the other hooks two fingers beneath the waistband of your boxers.

"Do you—"

"Yes," you interrupt, breathy and wanting before I can even finish the question. "I want this."

It sounds so needy; it only makes me want you more. I kiss you again and oblige. The boxers are off fast enough, but then there's an awkward pause in which I'm not sure what to do.

"Are you sure?" I ask quietly, shivering as your hands run up and down my back once more.

You just smile and say, "Touch me," as you roll your hips one more time. And that's all I need to move on my own.

We're both rubbing and grinding against each other. It's skin on skin, so hot, so hot. You grab the back of my head and bring me in for yet another kiss. We swallow each other's moans and let them out when we pull away again, trying to gasp for air as the pleasure builds. Our hips move in motion together, having found a comfortable rhythm, but it escalates, as we get closer. The pool of heat in my stomach burns white hot and the coil winds tighter. I can almost feel it.

I breathe out your name.

You moan out mine.

And then it explodes between us white hot and wonderful. We keep moving against each other, trying to make the sensation last as long as possible, moving easier with the sweat and semen that is slick between us. It's sticky and hot when we stop the motion and I've fallen on top of you, my face tucked into your shoulder. But I don't really want to move. I feel exhausted now, but satisfied and warm inside.

There's a nudge in my side. "Riku, move. It's hot," you whine, sounding just as exhausted as me.

I roll over onto the mattress and turn my head to look at you. You're staring up at the ceiling, your bare chest rising and falling with each breath you take. You're beautiful. How did I ever get to deserve this?

I watch you in the small amount of moonlight that lights my room in the early morning. You don't move for a while, just a soft smile on your lips, and I feel good about what has happened between us. We've taken another step. I've taken another at least, and for once it doesn't feel like I've taken two steps back at the same time. And then a hand touches your stomach. I can see the sheen of a clear substance on your fingers as you bring in up to your face and I feel my face go a little red when I realize what it is. You hum, staring at it for a moment, and then bring it to your mouth, licking a finger quickly. I raise my eyebrows as you frown and wipe your hand on the sheet.

"Why'd you do that?" I ask curious and a little incredulous. You look sideways at me at first, and then turn so that you're on your side.

"I was curious," you say with a shrug. I just raise an eyebrow again. You grin. "It was salty."

"Right," I reply with a smile of my own at the simple reasons you have for doing things. You shift closer and peck me on the lips before curling into my side, hugging my arm.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" you ask, voice muffled by my arm as you peek up at me. I shake my head slowly and smile sheepishly.

"I guess not," I reply. You nod and snuggle further into my arm, adjusting yourself. I hesitate and then lean down to kiss your head. You laugh quietly and then look up at me again.

"Riku?"

"Hmm?" I answer, wondering if I've done something wrong. But you just smile, from what I can tell.

"I love you, you know?" you say. And then you bury your head again. Soon enough your breathing evens out and I know you're fast asleep.

In the darkness of the morning, I smile without a constant fear behind it.

I don't know what I've done to deserve you or any of this, but I smile because you seem to think that I do. And if you think I do, then maybe, just maybe, I could learn to accept that I do too. Because I really want to become someone who deserves this, and that can't happen if I keep thinking that I don't.

"I love you too, you know?" I whisper into the dark, chasing away some of the doubts, finally.

There are birds beginning to chirp outside my window, despite the lack of light. The morning is approaching. A new dawn, a new day.

And I fall asleep with a smile on my face and you in my arms.

* * *

**A/N: **...And there's the end. Ah my gosh, I'm terribly sad right now. But aside from that, I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it, despite the bumps I've had until this point and all the long waits before. Again, I thank you all for your support and you're all wonderful, wonderful people. Please leave your last comments in a review and remember to leave a suggestion if you qould like a sequel/side story. There's a little information at the top if you missed it about what I may be doing for after this, so look back up there if you would like to know/ Other than that, hopefully we will meet again in the future! Bu-bye for now! I love you all!

Oh! Special thing if you're interested. Look at the chatper names in order. The first letter of each spell out the title of the story. Clever little chick, aren't I?


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